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If you’re a single woman over 40, follow the blog to learn how to attract quality men, sustain a healthy relationship, break up with dignity, understand and communicate with men 40 +, and much more…

How to Spot Red Flags On the First Phone Call

how to spot red flagsTwo words of advice for women dating after 40: PAY ATTENTION. If you want to save yourself from days, weeks, months, or years of suffering and pain, pay close attention to the words and actions of a man. And believe it or not, the best time to pick up on any red flags is during your very first conversation. Why is this conversation so important? Men often reveal just about everything you need to know about their character and what you can expect from them in a relationship. You are not yet clouded with hormones like Oxytocin, the bonding hormone that is released through sexual activity. You know, that hormone that makes you a little stupid and puts a blindfold over your gut feelings about him? This is the hormone that has you shove all the negative character traits he displays under the proverbial rug. I’ll show you how you can detect red flags on the first phone call to save yourself from future heartache.

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Flirting for Introverts: The “Flirt a Day Challenge”

flirting for introvertsI often write about the importance of getting out of your house and meeting potential dates out in the real world. In my last newsletter, I encouraged readers to make eye contact, smile, and say “hi” to men every day. This seemingly simple act is not as easy as it seems, especially for the introverts among us. According to Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking, one out of every two or three people you know is an introvert. That includes me. I was always the introspective one, the one who shied away from the limelight, the one who whispered the funny lines under my breath while my loud-mouthed extroverted friends would repeat them and get all the credit. After my divorce, I decided that I’d played small long enough. I vowed to push out of my comfort zone on a regular basis. And flirting for introverts is way out of our comfort zone. 

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Why You Hate Online Dating (and how to learn to love it)

online dating This article appeared on Better After 50 this week. Here’s an excerpt:

I recently had lunch with four divorced friends. We’ve all been divorced for different lengths of time – 11 years, 7 years, 5 years, and 4 months. The conversation quickly turned to our dating experiences.

The woman who just got divorced told us that she can’t even think about dating this soon after her divorce. We all agreed that she’s wise to take some time to rediscover who she is after so many years in a bad marriage. When she asked the three of us if there are any good men out there, the one who’s divorced five years said, “There are no good men. Online dating sucks!”

My immediate reaction was to defend online dating and men. “There are good men and online dating doesn’t suck. What sucks is your attitude!”

I didn’t actually say that out loud. I didn’t want to offer unsolicited advice. But what I know from experience both as a dating coach and a woman dating after divorce is that online dating really does work. Unfortunately, many people who try online dating don’t do it effectively. It’s not surprising when they say that online dating doesn’t work.

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Why Guarding Your Heart from Pain Keeps You From Love

guarding your heartLast night, I saw the movie The Giver. Have you seen it? I read the book with my kids when they were in 6th grade, so I only remembered the gist of the storyline. If you haven’t seen it or you need a refresher, it’s about a land where people are raised to have no emotions. When they are adolescents, they receive daily injections to erase any memory of pain or pleasure, and they live in a black and white world of sameness. Everyone is fairly equal, and big brother is watching over you at all times – in public and in the privacy of your own home. The premise is that if you protect people from extreme pain and pleasure, the world will be a better and safer place. The Giver is the only person who still feels emotions. His job is to give the memory of emotions – good and bad – to a Receiver. Without spoiling it for anyone who wants to see the movie, I will simply say that it made me think a lot about guarding your heart in dating, and why that keeps you from fully experiencing love.

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Breaking the Narcissist Relationship Pattern

narcissist relationshipSandy, 

My second husband was a narcissist (more specifically a legend in his own  mind as the Emotional Vampires author put it). I very carefully read that Emotional Vampires book to try and make better decisions, but unfortunately, I got snagged by another one!

This one is much more slick and much quicker than ever before. I met him online on Plenty of Fish.  We’re in our late 40s. His last marriage lasted a year.  I am a very compassionate a person and have a strange attraction to helping broken people.  Within about 6 weeks he figured out how to play my sympathy card and moved in.  It’s been four months now. 

About a month ago, I told him I was miserable, the relationship wasn’t working for me, and I thought it best that he find his own place. All serious conversations happen over text, because he can’t even look at me during a conversation about our relationship.  Then he starts fixing a few things that were making me unhappy and pulls the great sex night card and figures the move-out subject is tabled. He has barely taken me out these four months except for a few dinners at the same restaurant.  He’s never introduced me to his friends, and has blown off every outing I’ve tried to plan.

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Build a Lasting Connection with These 6 First Date Ideas

first date ideasFirst dates are always a source of nerves. Where are we going? What are we doing? What if we run out of things to talk about? The best way to find a strong connection with another person is to be yourself. Don’t let first date jitters overtake you. Go into a date with a positive attitude and chose something nontraditional to get the relationship started. Enjoying a lively environment can be more conducive to building connections than going to a restaurant and chatting over dinner. Instead, immerse yourself in an environment that inspires conversation, fun and laughter.

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How Much Is Your Relationship Costing You?

how much is your relationship costing you(This article was first published in Better After 50 September 4th.) My client *Annie has been seeing someone for about six months. If you’re imagining a hot romance, think again. The person she sees once a week is a warm, loving therapist. *Lisa is helping Annie get over an abusive ex-boyfriend.

Well, boyfriend is a bit of a stretch. Annie may have been in love with *Joe, but Mr. Hot and Cold was not in love with her. He sent her sexy texts and slept with her when she came to his place, but hardly ever made the 40-minute trek to see her. He bought himself $600 suits, but refused to pay for coffee or a movie. And Annie kept coming back for more.

They dated on and off for over a year. To complicate matters, they were co-workers. What began as a flirtation on an online dating site ended up causing Annie considerable emotional damage. Two years later, she’s still ruminating about why he broke her heart. She spends her evenings stalking his online dating profile. Her anxiety has led to a dependency on sleep medications.

How much is your relationship costing you?

When a person needs to heal from trauma from their past or any form of psychological dysfunction such as addiction, I recommend that they see a therapist, often while continuing to coach with me. Annie’s obsession with her ex is a form of addiction. That, combined with the negative experiences she’s had with most men in her life (including her father), are holding her back from opening her heart to a healthy loving man, someone who will treat her with the respect she deserves.

To read more, click here.

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