Dinner Date: When to Invite Him Over

Posted by in breaking up with grace, communication skills in dating, dating a dangerous man | 2 comments

dinner date

When’s the right time to invite a man over for a dinner date? This man invited himself over after the first date. Too soon?

One of my Facebook group members posted this question about when to invite a man over for a dinner date:

I had what I thought was a very nice first date tonight..lasted 3 hours and we talked easily about all kinds of subjects and laughed quite a bit. He said he’d like to see me again. When I got home he sent a very sweet email about all of the reasons he liked me.

I said I had a nice time too and then he sent me this: “I think you should invite me over for a nice home cooked meal in the not too distant future. Ball’s in your court…”.

Really? After a first date? We had talked about cooking, and he asked if I was a good cook. I said yes, but this seems a bit inappropriate to me after a first date. I responded that I wasn’t ready to invite him over my house yet and I needed to get to know him better and feel more comfortable. Thoughts?

The Dinner Date: When to Invite Him Over

Here’s what he wrote back: “We all need each other. I’m a bit of a loner and can easily amuse myself, but I truly miss the meaningful connection of a good woman. I also would say that you are very passionate as am I. Sparks may fly. Just get rid of your fears.”

She replied that she doesn’t have fears. She just doesn’t like rushing into things. He apologized and said that’s not what he meant (how else could he have meant it?) and he can’t wait to see her again. She says she will see him again, but he’s making her feel a bit pressured and uncomfortable.

A man who moves too fast? That’s a big red flag!

Her instincts are telling her that this behavior is uncomfortable. That’s because her intuition is spot on. A man who moves too fast, who assumes intimacy of any kind before there’s a relationship, before he really knows you? That’s a big red flag.

He wasn’t honoring her when he said she had fears she needed to get rid of. Really? Anyone who diminishes your needs and tells you to just get over it…that’s controlling behavior. Beware of anyone who says you SHOULD do anything. Watch out for someone who tells you you’re TOO anything (sensitive, afraid, prudish, etc.).

Also, he mentioned that he’s a loner. That concerns me. Many older men who’ve been alone for a while are lonely, and they want a relationship so badly, they jump in before a woman is ready. They meet a woman who seems to have potential to be a partner, and without knowing her well, they want to escalate the relationship.

He wants a dinner date before there’s trust and safety in the relationship.

If she decides to see him again (perhaps for dinner at a restaurant, NOT her home), be on high alert. Look for signs of control and neediness. If they’re there on the second date, walk away.

Keep on listening to your intuition, get very familiar with red flags like controlling behavior and neediness, and don’t stay with men who have these deal breakers. If you keep on leaving the wrong men, you will find the right guy for you!


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2 Comments

  1. This is an interesting article. I agree that the man was too pushy to invite himself over for a home cooked meal and that he seemed to imply that the evening would end in bed. However one sentence you wrote stood out for me…that a lot of older men are lonely and want to pursue a relationship quickly. I think part of that is that, being older, they sense that they don’t have a lot of time to court and done want to spend a lot of time getting to know someone before the good stuff happens. Also it occurs to me that some older men just don’t know the rules! I’m recently our of a relationship with an older man who had not been with a woman in a long time. And although he seemed to be a conscious, aware person who wanted to do things correctly, it was obvious that he really didn’t know how to treat a woman very well. Most men do not go to these online dating courses or workshops. Women do and we have all of these ideas about how couples should act. Many good men are clueless in this area. Maybe we need to have some compassion for them and cut them some slack?

  2. Claire,
    Thanks for your thoughtful comment about older men. If they are clueless, shouldn’t we show them some compassion and cu them some slack? Yes and no. Show compassion if they are upstanding men with integrity, if they have great qualities. No one is perfect, and we all could use some compassion, especially in the dating and relationship arena.

    The problem is when people ignore red flags and cut the wrong people some slack. Too many do-overs for those whose actions and words are inexcusable. Excuse behavior when it’s a mistake, not when it’s a character flaw.

    Be the woman of value who attracts her best partner. Cut that guy a lot of slack. Not the one who’s undeserving.

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