How to Discuss Sex With Your New Partner

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You’re in a new relationship. He wants sex before you’re ready. Matt Marr has great tips on how to discuss sex and more…

My awesome radio guest, Matt Marr talked about how to discuss sex with your new partner, where our sexual beliefs come from, how to change our sexual narrative, and so much more. He has been called the Gay White Oprah. After receiving his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University in 2009, Matt has been helping people gain perspective and power in their lives. In his weekly advice podcast, the DEAR MATTIE SHOW, Matt dishes out advice on relationships, sex, fear, friends, job, and even makeup.

As a Narrative Therapist, Matt believes that our lives can be seen through a story metaphor with characters of Fear, Hope, Depression, Addiction, etc all contributing to our narrative. Find all things Matt at www.dearmattieshow.com.

Highlights of our show below about how to how to discuss sex with your new partner in a safe way, and how to rewrite your love story by letting go of the old stories you’ve been telling.

How to Discuss Sex With Your New Partner

How can people explore sexuality in a safe way?

Build your own strong sexual self first. I recently saw so many people on social media talking about Jennifer Lopez as a cougar because she dates younger men. It offended me. One of the things women over 40 are dealing with is a culture that says it’s not appropriate to be sexual at their age.

If you’re not comfortable with your sexuality, ask yourself, “Is that a story I created on my own, or was it from my parents, religious institution, TV, movies, etc?”

[It’s important to discover your limiting beliefs and create a new story about healthy sexuality.]

What are some ways people can unpack their sexuality stories from their past?

We are sexual beings from the time we’re young children. In narrative therapy, we believe that the client is the expert of their lives. They can cultivate their own answers. We look at the problems and also what is working.

I grew up Catholic in Southern Oklahoma. Nobody understood this little boy with a lisp who loved Linda Carter/Wonder Woman. Many times there’s an internalized homophobia with my clients. Didn’t make sense to me. We look at when were things working well. When you dissect the strength, you can uncover and heal the issues.

I remembered from a young age that Eric in the Little Mermaid was way more dreamy than Ariel. And I didn’t feel anything was wrong with that.

What are some journal prompts people can ask themselves to uncover their sexual narrative?

Some women’s stories about sexuality are so negative, it’s like when you hear sex, you immediately feel bad/dirty/can’t talk about it.

I’m a big fan of journaling. You can write about:

  • When is the first time you can remember a sexual awakening and feeling happy about it?
  • When did something feel off/wrong or bad?
  • You can journal about joy as a sexual self or passion. When you discover the positives, what’s already working for you, you can begin to tease out the issues.

My story was gay men are promiscuous and don’t really step into loving relationships. I looked back at my past and knew I was interested in connection. 

If one partner is moving too fast, how can the slower person discuss sex without turning their partner off?

Whenever having a tough conversation, start with your intention. Example: “I want to talk about our sex life. This is my intention: I want to feel closer to you, and I want to feel more love when we’re done. I want to hold off on having sex for now. (State your reasons).” This is setting up the conversation for success.

What are some final nuggets you can share with our audience about how to discuss sex and get comfortable with your sexuality?

I’m a big fan of group therapy and a supportive group environment. Please join Sandy’s Facebook group. [Thanks, Matt! You can join my clicking here.]. Get support. Find people who can support you, no matter what you’re going through. If you’re scared to talk about things like vibrators or masturbation, find someone to talk with who will support you. 


I love Matt Marr! Listen to the episode to get the whole enchilada!

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Photo: Flickr/Pedro Ribeiro Simões

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