Why Do All Men Want to Have Sex on a First Date?

Posted by in communication skills in dating, dating in midlife, first date success | 7 comments

sex on a first date

Do all men really expect sex on a first date? Have standards changed that much since the advent of online dating, and should you just go with the flow? 

Hi Sandy,

I’ve recently put myself out there in the dating scene following the death of my partner. I keep hearing conflicting advice regarding men’s expectations on the first date.

I am a very youthful looking 68 year-old female. I am told I look mid-fifties, but this isn’t the point, just background info.

I grew up in the fifties and sixties with high values. I did not believe in sex on first, or even second, third or fourth dates. I am now told that men expect sex on the first date, and that I shouldn’t be shocked by that, and it no longer holds the same stigma that it once did. What’s happened to our values? Or is it just me?

I’d like to hear your thoughts and what men have to say on this subject. I’d like to know men’s opinions on the ‘respect’ aspect now that we are ‘of age’. Should I throw my ‘holding myself in high regard’ out the window?

Melanie

Why Do All Men Want to Have Sex on a First Date?

Hi Melanie,

I’m sorry for your loss. It can’t be easy to lose your partner, yet you’re out there dating again, and I give you credit for ‘putting yourself out there’ again. I understand your concern about men wanting sex on a first date. This is a subject that comes up quite often in my coaching practice. I’ve spoken to men and women about their points of view, and I’ll share them before stating my own opinion on this hot topic.

What women think about sex on a first date

The women who come to me for coaching want to be respected and cherished by the men they date. The reason they don’t want to have sex on a first date is because they don’t want to be objectified by men. They want to be women of value.

And the women who have slept with a man too soon bonded because of the hormones released during sex. However, they were often forgotten the next day. Unfortunately, “Slam, bam, thank you Ma’am” is still alive and well with many men.

These women go from bliss to devastation in a matter of hours. That feeling of being used, the questioning of self-worth—it’s not a good place to be.

Note that there are some women who are able to have sex right away, and they don’t get emotionally invested in a relationship. They know what they want, and they are okay if it doesn’t lead to more emotional intimacy.

 

What men think about sex on a first date

Men have shared with me that they almost always think about sex on a first date. They may not act upon it or say anything to you, but they are either attracted or not. If they’re not attracted, you won’t be asked out again. If they are attracted, they will probably want to make out with you and sleep with you after the first or second date.

That doesn’t make men bad or lacking good values. It makes men MEN. They are simply acting on their attraction, while women often want more of a commitment before sleeping with a man. It’s wonderful to know

 

What I think about sex on a first date

I believe that a woman of value sets clear standards before getting involved in a relationship. If you know your relationship standards before you get involved, you can easily set your boundaries about what you will and won’t do on a first date (or second or third date).

A man may want sex right away, but that doesn’t mean you have to give in to his request.

My general principle in dating is that if you have built a  level of trust with a man and you honor yourself, it’s okay to become sexually active—when you are ready.

If you want a deep loving relationship that will hopefully last, wait until you both want an exclusive relationship before hopping into bed. It’s okay to be physically intimate in other ways, but you need to be clear with your guy about what you want and need to feel safe and connected.

If a guy is moving too fast, don’t discount him as an a-hole or a jerk. He’s attracted to you, but he may not have the finesse to be classy about it.

If you like the guy, let him know. And then, you get clear with him. You take charge of your feelings and needs and tell him something like this:

“Charles, I am very attracted to you, and in the past, when I’ve slept with a man too soon, it didn’t work out well. I am looking for a lasting relationship, and I need to build trust and get to know you better before hopping into bed. That’s why I don’t sleep with a man until we’re in an exclusive relationship. If and when that day comes, you’ll be in for the night of your life.”

Bottom line is, men may want sex, and perhaps they’re more urgent or vocal about it than you’re used to, but unless they try to force you to have sex with them (which is absolutely NOT okay),  they are not bad people. They are simply MEN.

Value yourself, and a good man will wait for you to be ready to sleep with him.

 


If you want to find love this year, there’s nothing like group coaching to keep you accountable and give you dating tools that work. The Last First Date Inner Circle features two monthly topic-based Q & A calls about dating over 40 and a private forum for women to connect and share their experiences. All calls are recorded and transcribed, and you get a free chapter a month of my upcoming book. This month, we’re talking about how to communicate with men without nagging. Check it out here.

For a copy of my FREE report, “The Top Three Mistakes Midlife Daters Make (and how to turn them around to find love now)” please click here.

 

 

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7 Comments

  1. LOL – at the end of your email announcing this topic you say

    I don’t believe in hard and fast dating rules.There is no ‘one size fits all’ in dating.

    No doubt boilerplate and you weren’t thinking about sex, but in context, it gave me a laugh.

    A central challenge in all this is that we men come into a relationship with lust and don’t know how we feel about the real woman until after sex. That’s why we often wake up, take a look and split. The lesson for women is that the man you are talking to may be telling you the truth as he sees it, but his judgement is clouded by lust. Apres, he gets real to himself and to you.

  2. @Exitaisle,

    I didn’t even realize the sexual context of what I said in my article. That’s funny! Thanks for pointing it out and sharing your opinion. I like what you said about men coming in with lust and deciding how you feel about a woman after sex. What would make you stay instead of split?

  3. I am mid a 60’s guy, and after a long marriage and two years
    of being back in the dating world it is not just men who want sex on the first,
    second or third date.

    Let’s define first date. I see the first date as the first
    meeting as it usually lasts a few hours unless someone that doesn’t look like
    their pics shows up. Plus I have already had some email and phone
    communications and so there is at least some general familiarity. However sex
    on that first meeting doesn’t work for me as I need to digest on who I just
    met. I haven’t encountered any ladies that wanted sex the first night we met or
    at least that communicated as such so that I understood it.

    From some of my earliest dates I was told two rules. If
    there isn’t sex going on by the third date then there is something wrong. And
    then I heard, if there isn’t sex going on by the second date there is something
    wrong. I have to admit that initially I was a bit intimidated by all of this
    even if I am a guy, as I was not ready. I hadn’t slept with another woman in
    decades even if I was anxious to do so.

    I never asked however my sense today about the ladies that
    wanted sex early on is that sex is real important to them and they didn’t want
    to waste time and thus decided that sampling the goods early on was important. After all not all guys are up to it.

    For each person, measuring sex is different as each person
    has different needs and desires. It is not only about frequency or duration of
    sex, both which can be huge issues when not in sync, rather it can also be
    about how well two people fit so to speak. From a guys perspective there can
    such a difference in how sex goes. Yes ladies, some of you are just not so
    exciting in bed and that might be OK for the guy that does sex once a week
    however a huge disappointment for a guy that is seeking a sexually active
    relationship.

    Off topic here a bit ladies, feel free to discuss these
    issues with that guy. And if that guy is uncomfortable to the extent that he
    can’t communicate adequately about sex then maybe it is time to move on. What you want to do is go beyond your comfort
    zone with the topic and have it be fun at the same time. And you will notice
    that as you take these tiny steps in communication that your relationship will
    become that much more exciting.

  4. Hey Happy Guy,

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts about sex on a first date. It’s great that you’re paying attention to what works for YOU, not what works for other men or women on a first, second, or third date.

    While sexual compatibility is important, waking up next to someone before you’re ready can be kinda scary. I agree that you need to establish whether you’re on the same page sexually; frequency, style, fantasies – they’re all important factors in a healthy relationship.

    However, I believe that when someone has sex for the wrong reasons – simply because of an urge, to control or coerce, or to prove something – things don’t usually end well.

    And yes, communication is so important. As I said in my article, if you’re not ready but you are attracted, let the other person know. Sex is worth waiting for if it’s with the right partner, isn’t it?

  5. Men are totally okay to wait, even those hot and good looking in their 20’s told me they would not take a girl who sleeps with them right away very seriously.

  6. Men are totally okay to wait, even those hot and good looking in their 20’s told me they would not take a girl who sleeps with them right away very seriously.

  7. “But for now, there’s plenty we can do without sleeping together.” Eww. No. Don’t say that. Just say look, I’m not ready. I’m attracted to you and I really like you but if I sleep with you before I get to know you better I’ll regret it.

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