3 Ways to Figure Out Someone’s Attachment Style Early On
It’s important to know your date’s attachment style early on to see if you’re compatible. In this video, discover 3 ways to figure it out.
Why do some people have a hard time committing in relationships, some are secure and easy to be with, and others are clingy and need constant validation? It’s mostly because of our different attachment styles, which directly impact our romantic relationships.
The four adult attachment styles are secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant.
Why do we need to know someone’s attachment style early on in dating? Because it determines the way we respond emotionally and behave with our romantic partners. You want to be able to spot a man whose attachment style is compatible with yours.
Here are three ways to figure out someone’s attachment style early on in dating.
1. Listen closely to first conversations.
In those first conversations, you’ll be able to pick up clues that help you determine whether your date is secure, avoidant, or anxious.
People with an avoidant attachment style are uncomfortable talking about their inner lives. They tend to focus on topics like their jobs, their favorite TV shows, or current events without getting too personal or deep.
People with a secure attachment style will be a lot more versatile about what they talk about. They’re also relaxed, not too intense, and easy to talk to.
People with an anxious attachment style can sometimes come across as secure in an initial conversation on a date. That’s because they are afraid of rejection and want to please. They can often be funny and come across as confident and engaging, but they have an ulterior motive, which is to be liked and validated.
A secure person is not looking to be validated, because they already feels good within themselves. Pay close attention to the next two tips to help you figure out whether your date is secure, avoidant, or anxious.
2. Pay attention to how much they share about themselves.
Avoidants don’t reveal a lot about themselves in first conversations, and they come across as being highly independent and not in need of a partner.
Anxious people tend to reveal too much too soon, which can reflect their need to quickly create intimacy, control their anxiety, and feel an interpersonal connection before there is one. They may come across as needy and overeager.
Secure people reveal just the right amount in the right time. For example, they may talk about their divorce, but they won’t disclose the details. They have clear emotional boundaries, and they keep conversations about the past short and positive until they get to know their date better.
3. Listen to their personal dating history.
People often talk about their past relationships on the first few dates. If your date reveals he’s had a few serious relationships but also spent a lot of time single and happy, this could be a sign he’s someone with a secure attachment style.
Anxious people crave intimacy and feel emotionally incomplete without a partner. They’ll often disclose that they’ve had continuous relationships since their teens. When discussing their past relationships, they may reveal unresolved feelings, such as holding on to anger or resentment or still craving closure.
If your date talks about being married for only a few years and divorced for decades, and he hasn’t been in a serious relationship since then, that can be a sign of an avoidant. If he doesn’t seem to have any close friends, that could also be a sign he’s an avoidant.
Which attachment style pairings make for the best partners?
If you’re secure, you can enjoy a successful relationship with any attachment style. If you’re with another secure person, you both can contribute to a stable relationship. If you’re with an avoidant or anxious person, you can bring stability to the relationship by understanding your partner’s attachment needs, and over time, you can actually help your partner become more secure. For that reason avoidant and anxious people do best with a secure partner.
An anxious–anxious match can work, but sometimes anxious partners become too dependent on each other. It’s good to be aware of this going in, so you can discuss issues as they arise, so they don’t get out of hand.
An avoidant–avoidant match can work, too, but when the couple hits a rough patch, both partners are prone to walk away from the relationship rather than trying work on it.
The match to avoid is anxious–avoidant. In this pairing, intimacy needs are different. The anxious tries to get close while the avoidant pulls away. When their intimacy needs are not met, they have opposite ways of responding, creating a vicious cycle that puts stress on the relationship.
Even with the most problematic attachment pairings, a stable and satisfying relationship is possible if both partners understand how their attachment styles affect them and work to address the challenges.
If you want to learn more about your attachment style and how to find your best match, join me for next month’s Woman of Value Club masterclass. We’ll be talking all month about attachment style. Learn more and join here.
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