An Open Letter To All Men Over 40 Who Are Dating Online

Posted by in dating after divorce, first date success, online dating after 40 | 2 comments

Hi Guys,

I have been dating online for three years. I also coach hundreds of women who are dating online. We have something to say to you guys. We want you to have more dating success. We love men.

Some of you guys are amazing. Great profiles; well-written, grammatically correct, and your photos are varied and current.

But some of you are failing miserably at capturing our attention. Okay, maybe you capture our attention, but not in the way you might have intended.

So, today, I am speaking to you, the men who are skipped over, turned down, rejected, and dejected. I want to help you get the inside scoop on how to capture our hearts. And it’s not what you might think…

1. Hair. We don’t care that much whether you’re bald, grey-haired, or have a pony tail. Some of us like beards, mustaches or a clean-shaven face. While every woman has her hair preferences on a man, we care more about your character than the amount of hair on your head or chin. So don’t contact the Hair Club for Men just yet. We think you’re sexy when you’re confident and kind. Hair is much less important, so if you don’t like what you’ve got, don’t stress about it. Own it!

2. Photos.┬áMake sure you post photos. Men without photos have a very low contact rate. Please don’t scan your driver’s license or post your wedding photo with your ex lopped off. Don’t stand in front of a mirror holding your iphone in front of you. Argh! Don’t post photos of you getting drunk with your ‘buds’. We’ll think you’re an alcoholic. Don’t post photos with your shirt off. We think it’s sexier to leave something to the imagination.

DO: Post 3 or 4 photos that depict who you are TODAY, not five shades of hair ago. If you have developed a gut, most of us are okay with that if we can see it in a photo, not shocked by it on a first date. But we do prefer that you work out and take care of your body, just like we do. It shows us that you care about your health and well-being. That’s sexy!

If you don’t have good current photos, find a friend and shoot some pix this weekend. Have fun with them. Show full body shots and close-ups. Take photos of you doing something you love. Capture our attention with your spirit in your photos. That will draw us in!

3. Essay.┬áPlease don’t write things like, “One of a kind. I could write a lot about me, but what’s
more important is you.” That’s a real essay that I came across this morning. It tells me nothing about this man at all. Guys, if you don’t tell us some specifics about what makes you unique and one of a kind, why would be compelled to contact you?

You are a stranger to us. Reel us in. Tell us a story about something interesting. What was the funniest thing that happened to you? What was your favorite trip and why? What makes your heart skip a beat? What specific music excites you? What inspires you? We don’t want your resume. We don’t want you in list form. Take the time to write something compelling. Most of us read. We care about what you say. If you can’t do it yourself, hire someone to write your profile essay. It makes a difference.

5. Other stuff. Fill out the forms on the dating sites. Answer questions if the site has them. The more you tell us, the better we can sense who you are. I am turned off by a mostly blank profile. If you can’t put the energy into filling things out, why would I expend any energy in reaching out to get to know you? Just put in a little more effort, and the payoff will be great.

Men, we want to date you. We want to know more about you. We want to see the real you in your photos.

Make those few changes, and we’ll be like putty in your hands. Okay, maybe not putty, but you might actually get a date with us. Anything could happen!





  1. Good advice. As men make these changes to their profiles, I assume you’re crafting a fine profile where you describe what you offer (that men actually want)? A list of demands is rather off-putting. Thanks.

  2. @The Private Man,
    Thanks for your comment. Good question about women’s profiles. Yes, I believe both sexes should put effort into their profiles if they want to attract a quality match. I help my clients write their essays, because many people struggle with finding the words to best describe themselves. And I agree, demands are off-putting from either sex. Kindness, humor, good character; that’s what matters most in a relationship.


  1. An Open Letter to Single Men Over 40 - - […] A version of this article first appeared in 2012 on the Last First Date Blog […]

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