Are You Attracted to the Wrong Man?

Posted by in dating a dangerous man, dating a narcissist, red flags in relationships | 0 comments

attracted to the wrong manDear Sandy,

I am single and 52. How can I stop being attracted to the wrong man?  They treat me badly, and I have the courage to let them go at the very beginning of the relationship. I then start missing the good times and forget the reason why I left . I keep mentally and emotionally hooked to them – even for years – and close myself to any other relationship.  I sometimes go back to them for a very short time to receive the same bad treatment. I always try to convince myself that I did something wrong.  I am so used to this pattern that I cannot feel how it would be to be in a relationship without stupid games, lack of respect or an abusive “love”. Why do I do this to myself when I want just the opposite?

At present, I am idealizing a one-week relationship I had last February with a man who is an alcoholic and treated me badly. I see him regularly at the club.  He is a little manipulator and likes to play games.  He confuses me with his actions and words.  I already told him I don’t want to be with him because of the alcoholism, but I am still attracted to him and get involved in his games.  He is very intelligent and I love speaking to him.  He has a very good position as a manager and is divorced.  In many aspects he is very charming.  I sometimes think I am exaggerating the alcohol problem.

I have the syndrome “my love will change him”.  I now know that this is not possible, but this tendency is stronger that all my clear reasonings.  Why can’t I think that there is a better possibility for me in spite of my age and all the past bad experiences?

Thank you,

Kay

Dear Kay,

Isn’t it amazing that your head can be so smart; it knows that you should not be with these types of toxic bad boys, but your heart is still attracted to the wrong man? The good news is that you recognize that this is not the type of man you want to be with. You want to have a healthy relationship. You are self-aware. You are way ahead of most people who are stuck in the endless loop of attracting the wrong man over and over again. You deserve a lot of credit for noticing this toxic pattern and wanting to change it for good.

The guy you spoke about, the alcoholic charmer? You wrote, He confuses me with his actions and words.”

The path to attracting and sustaining a relationship with a good man begins with making sure a man’s actions and words line up. Most toxic men are exceedingly charming. They charm you with their sex appeal, and they lure you in with empty promises and lovely words.

If their words are not followed by actions, they don’t mean a thing.

I suggest that you cut off all ties with the alcoholic charmer. Don’t go to the club. Delete him from your phone, social media, and anywhere else he may be in your life. You must do this to be able to move on.

Next, in future encounters with men, pay closer attention to the negatives than the positives. Attraction can blind you to the negative character traits in a man. So, don’t get sexually involved before your logical brain answers these questions, which were posed on a radio interview I did with Rosalind Sedacca:

How do you know he’s a keeper?

  1. Are you comfortable being yourself around him?
  2. Is your time together really enjoyable?
  3. Are you hooked on more than just romance?
  4. Is he emotionally available and respectful?
  5. Is he your sincere best friend?
  6. Do your family and friends like him?
  7. Do you trust him?
  8. Does he have integrity?
  9. Do you feel a synchronicity, that you’re on the same path?
  10. Do you share a common vision of your future together?

How do you know if you’re settling?

  1. Do you feel valued in the relationship, or are you not feeling respected and valued?
  2. Are you coming from a place of joy or neediness (clinging because you’re lonely or is it fulfilling)?
  3. Are you really enjoying your time together or are you overlooking the warning signs and tolerating what doesn’t feel right – controlling, manipulation, emotional abuse?

Love yourself enough to be with a man who values you as much as you value yourself. Only then will you stop being attracted to the wrong man.

xoxo

Sandy

 

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