Ask Sandy Wednesday: Is Flirting Manipulative?

Posted by in dating after divorce, love after 40, self-esteem in dating | 0 comments

Dear Sandy,

Flirting has always struck me as a kind of fake way of interacting with a guy in order to woo him in with coy manipulation. Sure, there are some primal ways that men and women interact that I do believe are instinctual and more natural.

In the past, I was not very flirtatious, because I didn’t want to be one of ‘those’ kinds of women, the type that lure men in with their sexuality. I wanted to attract a man with my intellect, wit, and beauty, but not in a false way.

How can I embrace my inner flirt in an organic, wholesome way, to attract a quality guy without it being an overtly sexual invitation and/or dumbing myself down?

Anne Marie

Dear Anne Marie,

Flirting, like most things, is all about your state of mind. If you believe it’s coy and manipulative, you will probably act uncomfortably coy and manipulative.

If you believe it’s a natural thing to do, you will act accordingly.

I can totally relate to your question, Anne Marie, because I used to think of flirting as manipulation, too. I thought flirting meant wearing tops that revealed cleavage and batting your lashes like Betty Boop. It felt fake and totally not like me.

I’ve come to realize that I flirt all the time. I flirt with the cashier, the guys I pass on my daily walks, my neighbor across the street, even the mailman.

Are they following me home, lured in by my ‘coy manipulation’?

No, of course not. This flirting is about being playful, engaging, and warm-hearted.

It’s about connecting to people ~ all people.

It’s about being witty, smiling widely, complimenting someone, or just making eye contact.

And I’m not being fake at all. Quite the contrary. The more I’ve learned to flirt with EVERYONE, the more I’ve become comfortable flirting with men.

But there is one major difference between playful flirting with the masses and flirting with a man you’re interested in dating. Attraction.

Simply put, men are interested in women because they’re first attracted to them. Most women I know can overlook a beer belly in favor of kindness and a great sense of humor.

Flirting is what gets you from being in the ‘friend zone’ to being considered a girlfriend and/or wife.

So, embrace your inner flirt. Flirt with everyone. You’ll soon discover that flirting is authentic. It’s not manipulation at all.

Most of all, it’s FUN!

Happy flirting, Anne Marie. And let me know how it goes.




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