Five tips for women who are overfunctioning in dating. Observe, state your needs clearly, and date with a calm nervous system.
A reader recently wrote in with a question you might relate to. She spent years in a long-term relationship where she planned, tracked, and managed nearly everything. Now she’s dating again, and she wants to see how a man shows up on his own before she steps in to fill the gaps. Her question: how do I stop overfunctioning in dating and doing the emotional labor for someone who isn’t naturally proactive?
If you tend to overfunction in dating, here are five tips to help you stop and let a man show you who he really is.
Do you have a pattern of over-functioning in your relationships? Do your partners under-function? Let’s break this pattern now!
Debbie came to a session excited and a little unsettled. She had been dating Alan for a few months, and everything about him felt different from what she was used to. He texted back. He made plans. When he said or did something that landed wrong, he apologized and corrected course without being asked twice or getting defensive.
That should have felt like relief. Instead, it felt unfamiliar enough to make her a little nervous.
Debbie’s last long-term relationship was with a man I’ll call Richard. She did most of the emotional heavy lifting in that relationship: she planned, reached out first, smoothed things over, and read his moods so she could adjust hers.
Over time, that became her definition of what it takes to keep a relationship together…until she broke up with him. So when her new boyfriend started initiating dates and planning ahead on his own, part of her was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and another part was uncomfortable with him initiating everything. She was ready to start managing things the way she always had, but she didn’t want to go there.
This is one of the most common places I see clients get stuck. They finally meet someone secure, and their nervous system, trained by an old relationship, doesn’t know what to do with the calm.
Here is what we worked on, and what I want to offer you if you see yourself in Debbie’s story.
Are you dating from scarcity or abundance? Here are five ways to tell the difference and know who’s driving your love life.
If you’ve been dating for a while, especially in midlife, you’ve probably felt the pull of scarcity thinking. It can sound like “there’s no good people left to date” or “I need to lock this down before he loses interest.” Abundance thinking sounds more expansive and hopeful. When you date from a place of abundance, you believe there’s enough love, enough time, and enough good people out there, so you can slow down and make healthier choices.
Here are five places where the difference between scarcity and abundance shows up most clearly in real dating situations.
Stop venting to ChatGPT during divorce. Tune in to this episode to find out why this is a bad idea and what to do instead!
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Do you vent to ChatGPT during your divorce? Kirk Stange is here to advise you about why this is a bad idea. He is the President and Founding Partner of Stange Law Firm, PC. Since founding the firm in 2007, he has helped grow it into a multi-state law firm while overseeing strategic growth, operations, and leadership. A frequent legal educator and published author, Kirk has received numerous professional honors throughout his career.
In this episode:
Safe and productive ways AI can be used during divorce
Why divorcing spouses should think carefully before typing sensitive information into AI chatbots
The types of ChatGPT conversations that could potentially create legal complications in divorce proceedings
If you’re dating casually because you’re not ready for a relationship, that’s okay. But be careful not to make these 5 mistakes.
Casual dating gets a bad reputation in the over 50 crowd. Some of my clients tell me they feel guilty even using the word casual, like it means they aren’t serious about finding love. But here’s the truth: dating casually, when you do it well, is one of the healthiest ways to find your person. It takes the pressure off. It lets you actually get to know someone instead of rushing to decide if they’re “the one” by date two.
The problem isn’t casual dating itself. It’s the mistakes people make while they’re doing it. I see the same five patterns over and over in my coaching practice, so let’s talk through them.
What are the fears that sabotage relationships? Dr. Maria-Elena Lukeides helps us explore why good relationships fall apart.
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What are the three key fears that sabotage relationships? That was the topic of discussion with Dr. Maria-Elena Lukeides. She is a Sydney-based Clinical Psychologist, meditation teacher, and pioneer in psychedelic-assisted therapy in Australia. With nearly 30 years in mental health, she integrates clinical psychology, neuroscience, mindfulness, and psychedelic therapy to explore trauma, healing, and human connection, drawing from both professional expertise and lived experience.
In this episode, we covered:
The three key fears that hold us back in life and love
What happens in relationships when people are unaware of the fears they carry
How to begin to overcome our fears and have better relationships with ourselves and others
