Do you have a pattern of over-functioning in your relationships? Do your partners under-function? Let’s break this pattern now!

Debbie came to a session excited and a little unsettled. She had been dating Alan for a few months, and everything about him felt different from what she was used to. He texted back. He made plans. When he said or did something that landed wrong, he apologized and corrected course without being asked twice or getting defensive.

That should have felt like relief. Instead, it felt unfamiliar enough to make her a little nervous.

Debbie’s last long-term relationship was with a man I’ll call Richard. She did most of the emotional heavy lifting in that relationship: she planned, reached out first, smoothed things over, and read his moods so she could adjust hers. 

Over time, that became her definition of what it takes to keep a relationship together…until she broke up with him. So when her new boyfriend started initiating dates and planning ahead on his own, part of her was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and another part was uncomfortable with him initiating everything.  She was ready to start managing things the way she always had, but she didn’t want to go there.

This is one of the most common places I see clients get stuck. They finally meet someone secure, and their nervous system, trained by an old relationship, doesn’t know what to do with the calm. 

Here is what we worked on, and what I want to offer you if you see yourself in Debbie’s story.

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How do you rewrite your love story to choose a healthy partner this time around? Spoiler alert: heal your trauma!

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How can you rewrite your love story so you end up in a healthy relationship? Owen Smithyman works with self-aware people who have done significant work on themselves – talk therapy, somatic work, plant medicine, coaching — and still feel something running in the background, making decisions for them or making life difficult. As a Peak States Therapy Practitioner, he helps clients resolve emotional wounds permanently, relate more authentically, and live a more vibrant life.

In this episode:

• How past trauma shapes our choices in dating and relationships
• The relationship between beliefs and trauma
• What are peak states, and how are they relevant in dating?

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Learn how to decode attraction and break old relationship patterns so you can finally go on your last first date!

A client told me she met a man at a dinner party who made her stomach flip the minute he walked in. And then, a few minutes later, she felt scared. Because the last three times she felt those instant sparks, the relationship ended in heartbreak.

She asked me, “How do I know if this is real chemistry or just my old wiring again?”

It’s one of the questions I hear most from women in my coaching practice. Strong attraction feels like you’ve met “the one”. But often that spark is just a familiar groove your nervous system has worn into the record of your relationships, and it’s playing the same old song dressed up as something new.

Here are five ways to decode attraction so you can attract healthier partners.

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Being detached in dating isn’t about being cold. It’s about detaching from outcomes rather than feelings. Here are 4 reasons to detach.

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Have you ever caught yourself refreshing your phone while waiting for him to text you back? Replaying a date over and over, trying to figure out what he meant by something he said? Changing who you are, even just a little, to make someone like you more?

If you have, you’re not alone and there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just attached to outcomes in a way that works against you.

Relationship coach Sabrina Alexis Bendory wrote Detached: How to Let Go, Heal, and Become Irresistible to address this. Her central message is that detachment in dating has nothing to do with being cold or playing games. It’s the inner stability that comes from building self-worth, the ability to care deeply about someone without losing yourself, and to stop chasing approval. When you’re detached in dating, you attract healthier relationships.

Here are four ways to practice detachment in dating, inspired by Bendory’s framework.

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Dysfuncational family patterns impact the way we love. When we excavate and change those patterns, we’re on the road to our last first date.

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Have you ever found yourself thinking, “Why do I keep ending up in the same kind of unhealthy relationship?” There’s a hidden reason many of us don’t know about. You are probably dating from a blueprint you didn’t consciously choose. It was shaped early on, in your family of origin, through what you saw, felt, and learned about love.

Those dysfuncational family patterns are not permanent. When you become aware of them, you can begin to shift them. And you don’t just change who you’re attracted to. You change your entire experience of love. Here are five ways breaking unhealthy family patterns can improve the way you love.

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Are they a narcissist or avoidant? Here are five ways to tell the difference in the early stages of dating after 40.

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In the early stages of dating, it can be confusing when someone pulls away, sends mixed signals, or struggles with emotional closeness. Two patterns that often get mistaken for each other are narcissism and avoidant attachment. Both can involve distance and inconsistency, but the underlying motivations are very different.

Understanding the difference matters. An avoidant person may struggle with vulnerability but still care deeply about you. A narcissist, on the other hand, tends to center the relationship around their own needs and ego. Here are five ways to tell the difference.

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