Coaching Q & A: Am I crazy to feel this way about a guy?

Posted by in self-esteem in dating, single women over 40 | 2 comments

Dear Sandy,

I’ve been seeing this guy James for several weeks now and have been on multiple dates. But then all of a sudden I didn’t hear from him for 4 days! Not a text or call, nada! Everything is going great, there was nothing that happened for him not to contact me. Why wouldn’t he call for that long? Is it something I did? That’s when I decided to call him and of course it went to voice mail. I left a message saying “Hi, just seeing what your plans are this week, I’d like to see you. Call me back.” Another 24 hours later, he calls and acts like nothing has happened. I don’t think he even knew he hadn’t spoken to me in 4 days. Do I ditch this guy and move on? Or do I need to change the message I’m sending to him? How do you tell a guy that it’s not okay to go that long without talking without sounding like a crazy woman?

Sincerely,

Rebecca 

Hi Rebecca,

Sounds like your relationship with James is lukewarm at best. You’re not feeling valued by him.

Here’s how you know if a guy is your boyfriend:

  • He makes you feel safe.
  • He values you and shows you that you’re special to him.
  • The relationship escalates on a forward trajectory, from first email/text to phone calls, to dates, to a relationship.

Your relationship (or non-relationship) with James is flatlined. It’s not moving forward, is it?

Some people are happy dating casually without forward movement. You sound like a person who wants a relationship. At the very least, you want to be valued.

It’s not your job to teach James how to be in relationship. It’s your job to be the CEO of your love life. Whether you feel it or not, you are always at choice. You are in control of your love life. Is James working for you? If not, you are at choice to move on to a guy who values you more.

You are teaching James how you want to be treated. If you want to be valued more, value yourself more and set some standards for what you will and won’t tolerate. Even at the beginning stages of a relationship. Especially at the beginning of a relationship. Otherwise, you’ll set yourself up for giving away your power and ‘waiting for his phone call for four days.’

You ask, “How do you tell a guy that it’s not okay to go that long without talking without sounding like a crazy woman?”

You don’t tell him as much as show him that it’s not okay. You’re not a crazy woman for standing up for how you feel. But when you call him after a four-day lapse and he responds as if nothing happened, it’s pretty obvious that you’re on two different pages in this relationship. If he wanted to see you, he would call. That’s what guys do.

I’m not saying that James is a bad guy. He’s probably a good guy. But he’s not your boyfriend. He just sounds like a guy who is not prioritizing you in his life. Do you want that for yourself? That’s a question for the CEO of your love life.

With love,

Sandy

 

Comments

2 Comments

  1. I would at least talk to the guy about it and see where his head is at… then see if she has a warm and fuzzy or not afterwards… he may very well not be into her the way she wants right now, but it wouldn’t hurt to find out… the problem is, if she’s upset now about the 4 day lapse (since she didn’t do anything about it in the mean time), she may not come off warm and fuzzy herself, and the conversation may head south pretty fast… either way, she’ll know!

  2. You’re right, Sid, I would usually say to check out where a guy’s head is at, especially if you’re already dating regularly. But she didn’t need to ask. There were plenty of signs, mostly in what he didn’t do. She did call him after four days, and they talked briefly, but he acted like there was nothing wrong with not calling for many days (which was different than the way they used to talk). And he made no plans to see her. The following week (the rest of the story), he continued to make no effort to see her. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy. Rebecca says he isn’t making time for any relationship right now. His work is his life. And that doesn’t work for her. She wants to be prioritized, so I suggested she move on. Point is, she can’t make him do anything. She can only choose what works for her.

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