Dating A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

Posted by in dating after divorce, love after 40, self-esteem in dating, single women over 40 | 0 comments

As a dating coach, I know the red flags to look for in a relationship. I advise women not to date a man who is recently separated or divorced. I tell them not to begin a relationship with someone who is not emotionally available. I caution women to beware of men who do not want a relationship, only a casual connection, usually accompanied by weekly booty calls. I have seen the pain that comes when a woman gives her heart to a man like this. But many men are disguised as soulful, wonderful, sexy, and alluring. On the surface, they seem to be fabulous. And then…

It happened to me. I met a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I dated a man who was not emotionally available, recently separated, with many of the qualities that I am seeking in a man. I thought I could be his friend, date him casually. Explore what was there, live for the moment.

Who was I fooling? I can’t be in a relationship with a man like that. The pull was strong. The excitement, the fun, and even the danger pulled me in. It could never have worked. I ended it after a short time, and while it was not the right relationship for me, I don’t have any regrets.

As a self-aware woman and a dating coach, I had my eyes wide open. I never gave fully of myself, not my heart, my soul or my body.

The main difference between how I would have dated a man like him in my twenties and how I dated him now is this: I protected myself. I didn’t give in to his needs. I listened to my own heart. I didn’t lose myself. I had clarity. And I made the right choice in the end.

I learned a lot from this relationship. I am not afraid to confess that I am a work in progress. I am not perfect. And I am so done with dating men like that. I am ready for a healthy relationship.

Following is a poem I wrote while working through my conflicting thoughts about this man. I share it with you in the hope that you will be able to grow and learn from my experience. Hopefully, you will be inspired to date men who are available, kind, and giving. And to trust your intuition, the wisest part of you.

The last time I danced

By Sandy Weiner

 

The last time I danced, my body moved with the rhythm of the music.

Raw. Passion. Heart. Embracing. Embraced.

A hand on a back,

Caressing up,

Cascading down

No direction known…

Sweet. Warm. Hips swaying moved by the song.

 

But I held back.

I didn’t let go. I didn’t trust.

 

Today, I danced and my body let go. I was free. I was me. I was dance. I was song.

 

The last time I danced, my heart opened, still guarding the treasure of my soul.

The deepest crevices protected in her velvet cave.

No reckless loving. No giving it all away.

 

Today, I danced and my heart let go. I was free. I was me. I was dance. I was soul.

 

I yearn to dance open, wide open

To feel a love based in truth.

Back and forth truth. Trust

 

Out of sight?

Still in the rhythm,

in the schism of the heart and mind.

 

Love goes on and on and on and on and on…

 

To feel at peace deep in my body

To love and receive love

To love and be love

To let go and trust love

To take me to a place I’ve never been

That feels like home.

 

The last time I danced, my mind was present, gone, present, gone.

Fleeting, flittering, monkey chittering.

 

Can he love someone if he loves himself most?

Can he love someone if giving feels depleting?

Shame and regrets. Secrets. Lies. Blame.

The need to prove keeps you small, struggling, recklessly confusing.

 

Your passion was intoxicating, like a cool drink of wine,

left out on the shelf and neglected, fermented.

 

My mind, body and heart knew the truth all along. But I was a fool for fun,

For the passion, for the music, for the danger.

 

I pushed aside my sacred wisdom.

That inner-knowing,

the wisest part of me.

 

The last time I danced, my soul was connected ~ yet concealed.

She yearned to come forth, to reveal herself in her majestic glory.

To break free of the fences, the guards, the protection.

To love without bounds.

 

Safeguarded from careless crushing, crashing, burning.

 

My mind and body protected my soul.

I thank them for their wisdom.

 

Love is: mind body soul heart

A slow process, a letting go, trusting, respecting,

sharing, knowing and being known,

Seeing and feeling seen.

 

Truth, I thank you for your wisdom.

Love goes on and on and on and on and on.

 

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