Dating After 40: Is Telling the Truth Always a Good Idea?
Check out episode #302: The Power of Telling the Truth on Your Dating Journey. Robert Kandell shares his thoughts on honesty, male/female dynamics, consent, and more.
My radio guest, Robert Kandell, joined me to discuss whether telling the truth about yourself in dating and relationships is always a good idea. We talked about the feminine/masculine dynamic in today’s confusing world of relationships…and so much more.
Robert has been hailed as “part football coach, part loving dad, and part slightly crazed drill sergeant”. He has spent the last sixteen years helping people build better relationships through more honest and authentic connection. Robert is an accomplished teacher, coach, and lecturer. He brings his enthusiasm and acumen to his weekly podcast, Tuff Love, on subjects around relationships, intimacy, communication and gender dynamics.
Check out highlights below for episode #302: The Power of Telling the Truth on Your Dating Journey.
The Power of Telling the Truth
Why do people withhold the truth?
There are two basic ways to engage. Collaborative and antagonistic. Antagonistic looks for differences. Collaborative is about co-creating. When you’re collaborative, you both look for mutual ground. Even in the most painful moments, see if you can be more collaborative and connective to find resolution.
Most people tend to become victimized easily. What I mean by that is they don’t take responsibility when hurt. You might say, “You hurt my feelings”. Remember that no one can make you feel anything. People create stimuli, and sometimes it’s cruel, hurtful, or selfish. It’s always on us as to how we interpret and relate to the stimuli. It’s disempowering to YOU if you blame the other person. Know that you’re always at choice as to what you want to do about it.
How can people get calm enough in an argument to know they’re at choice?
Practice. We practice to learn to play the piano or become an artist. We invest time and energy to get better at processing, and eventually we have emotional mastery. We often subconsciously pick partners in areas when we want or need to grow. We often magnetize people into our lives to help us work through childhood wounds. Take responsibility and see how you co-created and magnetized this person into your life. Practice getting better at handling emotional triggers.
What are some of the challenges in dating in today’s world?
Everything is more challenging than it was 15 years ago. The advent of social media and apps have made things worse in terms of levels of intimacy. There’s a plethora of options. People are hitting road bumps and leaving and starting again. A better deal is only a swipe away.
Women are gaining more power, and men are giving up. They go to video games and porn and don’t step up. There’s a wakeup call for women to understand men’s challenges in this world.
How do you define consent in today’s dating world?
I’m a big fan of the movie, Hitch. When Kevin James is instructed to kiss by leaning in 90%, and waiting for the woman to lean in the last 10%, that is a form of consent. Letting her go in the last 10% is consent, as he feels her desire to move towards him
How do you council couples on telling the truth when arguing?
I council couples to speak the truth in the moment as soon as possible. Don’t let anger build. Sometimes you have to repeat what you want over and over again. Keep educating each other so you don’t get resentful/shut down/stop speaking your truth.
How to speak your desire to your partner:
If you know you’re withholding something from your partner, go through these 6 steps.
- Find a space without distraction where you can have a conversation about your desire.
- Apologize for not disclosing your desire in the past.
- Share the desire and the motivation behind it.
- Be quiet.
- Hear your partner’s feelings.
- Go back and forth until it is resolved.
Visit robertkandell.com to hear Robert’s podcast and learn more about his upcoming book Unhidden: A Book for Men and Those Confused By Them, due out November 5th.
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