Dating Success for Introverts with Dr. Christie Hartman

Posted by in communication skills in dating, first date success, online dating after 40 | 0 comments

introvertsDr. Christie Hartman is an internationally recognized dating expert, behavioral scientist, and author of five dating advice books. A recovering academic and closeted nerd, Christie has refocused her overactive, analytical mind on unraveling the scientific and psychological mysteries behind dating and attraction. Catering to both men and women, she deconstructs all that is baffling about dating and makes it easily digestible to singles.

Following are loosely transcribed highlights of our radio interview.

Dating Success for Introverts with Dr. Christie Hartman

What is introversion?

You’re not going to get 100% agreement on what this is, but generally it’s internally focused people, focused on thoughts and ideas rather than people and things. They’re usually quieter and softer spoken, and are often misunderstood by people. They derive energy from being quiet rather than through stimulus from the external world. 

How is dating challenging for introverts?

The biggest dating challenge is that dating is an extroverted activity by its nature. It’s about going out and meeting strangers. That comes naturally to an extrovert. Introverts prefer the company of those they know. Dates are usually also filled with stimuli – parties, social activities – that introverts find exhausting. It’s important to get the introvert out of the introvert bubble

You don’t have to change who you are, but you do have to change certain behaviors and habits to succeed at dating. Get out of the introvert bubble – whatever that is for you. You don’t have to get out of it so far that it terrifies or exhausts you. Take small steps. Step just outside your comfort zone to be in the extrovert world. Once you’re in a relationship, it will be more intimate and thereby more comfortable for an introvert. 

Should introverts seek to date other introverts?

My husband is an introvert, similar to what I am. We’re both moderate introverts. Before I met my husband, I was with someone who was extremely extroverted, and I was exhausted. Introverts and extroverts often compliment each other. They can help each other, and it can work. When the differences are too extreme though, it will probably not work.

To succeed as an introvert/extrovert couple, it helps if they read Susan Cain’s book to understand each other. Often, they’ll both start to change a bit and learn to appreciate what each has to offer.

What about introverts who are not comfortable revealing a lot about themselves on a date? It takes time to get to know them, but in dating, first impressions matter, right?

I’m turned on by men who don’t reveal it all right away. But what I’d recommend for this type of person is to look at how they might be coming off, and think of ways they can share and feel comfortable. It’s about stepping slightly outside their comfort zone. 

Introverts often seem boring but they’re not. They only expose the tip of the iceberg. In dating, you do have to reveal something about yourself. Not your deepest fears and childhood issues. But be specific about the things you love or move you. Share a book you got a lot out of. Talk about your travels. 

If an introverted woman finds herself listening but not speaking up and sharing about her life, and he’s going on and on about himself, jump in and talk about yourself a little bit. You want him to get to know you.

What else can an introvert do to succeed at dating?

Understand introversion better. Get on websites about introversion and learn about it. Read Susan Cain’s book. Don’t give up because you’re an introvert. Get your arms around the issue. Try different strategies. Online dating can be a good forum for introverts. It helps you get out of your comfort zone, from the quiet of your home, and it’s one on one when you meet your date.

To listen to the entire podcast, click here. 


Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

AlphaOmega Captcha Classica  –  Enter Security Code

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.