Dating With An Anxious Attachment Style

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anxious attachment

If you’re dating with an anxious attachment style, listen to this episode with Jessica Baum. You’ll learn helpful tips for dating success.

Jessica Baum is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC) who supports those struggling with anxiety, relationship conflict, marital issues, and codependent relationships. She’s the author of the upcoming book, Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love, to be published in June 2022, available for preorder now. Jessica is the founder of the Relationship Institute of Palm Beach, a group practice providing couples therapy, family counseling, and addiction therapy in south Florida since 2016, the Self-full® Method, and her sister company, Be Self-full.

In this episode of Last First Date Radio:

  • Tools to use when triggered in a relationship
  • How to become aware of repeating patterns of low self-worth and abandonment
  • How our nervous system impacts our relationships and is unconsciously driving our behavior
  • Healthy chemistry versus an activated nervous system

EP 502: Jessica Baum – Dating With An Anxious Attachment Style

What is anxious attachment, and how does it affect dating and relationships?

It’s an embedded pattern from childhood. Their parents were inconsistent. The child adapts by learning to get their needs met, but it’s not consistent. Their sense of self worth is lower. They don’t always feel worthy of love. It all boils down to nervous responses.

What’s a trigger, and what tools can you use when you’re triggered in your relationship?

It’s an awakened part of ourselves. When we have experiences of fight/flight/freeze/fawn, that’s a trigger. The younger part of us is awakened. They live within us and are awakened when we get triggered. 

When triggered, I ask “How old were you when you first felt that state?” It’s usually terror or deep pain. When we hold these awakened parts and make sense of them, we can integrate them. These states are felt in the body. We want to welcome them with safe people.

Tools to use when triggered: Label what’s going on inside yourself. Most of the time our narrative is completely wrong. Drop the narrative. Tell your brain, “Thank you for thinking. These are just protective thoughts.” Focus on your breathing, particularly your exhales. Get on the phone with a friend and breathe with them. You’ll slowly come out of that state. Someone can breathe with you and slow down your breathing.

What motivated you to do this work on anxious attachment, codependency, and conflict management?

I struggled with a lot of anxiety and depression growing up, and I didn’t understand what was going on in my body. I identified as codependent. I was once hospitalized with anxiety and had panic attacks. No one explained to me what that meant. When I learned about my attachment style, I finally learned there was help available and was able to heal my codependency and anxiety. I shifted from shame to compassion.

What are your final words of advice for someone with an anxious attachment style who wants to go on their last first date?

Everyone with an anxious attachment style wants to go on their last first date! Learn to be around people who give you a sense of safety vs excitement. Stay honest and don’t go off chemicals like love bombing. Time and consistency matter the most, and finding reliable dependable people who show up for you. What’s your support system? The healthier your support system, the better your dating will go. Your patterns will still show up, but there will be more forgiving partners. Find someone who’s willing to do the work with you.

Watch this episode on YouTube


Connect with Jessica at https://www.beselffull.com/ and @jessicabaumlmhc on instagram. Preorder her book Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love and grab her free gifts.

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If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to find your last first date, sign up for a complimentary 1/2 hour breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

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