Fear of Abandonment In Dating

Posted by in dating after divorce, love after 40 | 0 comments

fear of abandonment

Jami’s fear of abandonment is keeping her single. In this live coaching session on Last First Date Radio, I share tools to help Jami finally find love.

Do you have fear of abandonment? If you do, you’re not alone. My podcast guest, Jami, volunteered to be coached live on the show this week. She’s 50 years old, divorced five years, and she’s struggling with how to find love after her divorce. Her only relationship post-divorce lasted six months, and it wasn’t fulfilling. She wants to know if she’s emotionally unavailable. During our live session on Last First Date Radio, she revealed where her fear of abandonment comes from, and how that fear has shielded her from the love she’s seeking.

Listen as I coach her live on air to help her get unstuck and finally attract and create the love she wants.

Emotionally Unavailable or Fear of Abandonment?

Tell me a little about the relationships you’ve had since your divorce.

I’ve had several three-month relationships and one six-month relationship. It’s hard for me to see my ex-husband and others who easily found a long-term relationship. I’m not going to accept what I don’t want. So many of the men I meet are not dealing with their wounds.

The guys I like don’t like me, and the guys who like me, I don’t like.

Describe the men you date.

They are safe. They have similar backgrounds to me. I have abandonment issues. My parents divorced when I was one-year old. At the age of three, my mom sent me to live with my dad and his new wife. Mom stayed in my life on weekends, but my father’s wife was abusive to me. So, I had an unstable childhood. Mom remarried when I was 12. 

What about the man you with whom you had the six-month relationship?

I was the first person he went out with. He was an avoidant. Had a controlling mom. He pushed relationships away. But, we had a strong connection. We complimented each other. He loved me and then freaked out. He wasn’t emotionally available. When we were together, it was good, and when we were apart, it was not. I kept hoping he’d come back and realize what he lost.

I help Jami reframe abandonment, because when you fear you’ll be abandoned, you give up all your power.

I also coach her on how much to share on a date. She’s been sharing the good and the bad right away, which is a way of staying safe and keeping love at bay. This is due to her abandonment issues. She is unconsciously self-sabotaging so she doesn’t get ‘left’ like she did as a child.

I encourage her to begin to reveal her life more slowly, creating mystery and intrigue. I compare it to reading a great book. You can’t wait to turn the page and find out what happens next. She likes this metaphor.

Finally, I end the session with homework to help her become more emotionally available to herself. She will practice making all decisions from a place of love and not fear.

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