Help! He’s Coming on Too Strong!
Is it always love bombing when a man is coming on too strong? In this video, learn the 4 signs to look out for and what to do!
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Dear Sandy,
I had three dates with a very nice and kind man. How do I tell him to slow down and don’t get so excited so fast that “this is it”? I’ve never had this happen before! He is very, very sweet, yet he is coming on too strong for me.
We have had fun on our last three dates, but I do not know how to get his expectations in check. What should I do? HELP!
Linda
Watch the video here:
Dear Linda,
Men who tell you ‘this is it’ before they know you well are coming on too strong – for you. For some people, this type of instant attraction can work. It makes you uncomfortable. When men come on that strong at the beginning, many people call this love bombing.
What’s Love Bombing?
Wikipedia defines love bombing as “an attempt to influence a person by demonstrations of attention and affection. It happens when someone overwhelms the victim with loving words, physical actions with manipulative behaviors. It can be used in different ways and for either positive or negative purposes. Wikipedia
What else can it be?
It’s not necessarily love bombing. He could be exhibiting narcissistic behaviors, trying hard to win you over with extreme affection due to his own insecurities. Or, he may be looking to fill an emotional void quickly with a woman who gives him the attention he’s craving. The problem with this type of behavior is he doesn’t truly see you – he’s projecting an ideal onto you.
This type of extreme adoration can feel stifling, not flattering. When men come on this strong, it can feel like you can’t breathe.
4 warning signs he’s coming on too strong
- Too much phone/text/email from the start. I recently got three very enthusiastic texts in a row from a guy I met online. He was planning an over-the-top first date, because he was sure I was the one for him. And I hadn’t even responded to a single text yet. Too much phone, text, or email at the start of a relationship can be a sign of a man coming on too strong.
- Too much praise too soon. Have you ever had someone say these phrases on a first phone call, or a first date? “You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met.” “We’re perfect for each other!” “Wow, I’ve never met anyone like you.” “You’re the one!” Too much praise too soon is another sign of coming on too strong.
- Planning the future before there is one. If you’ve only had a few dates and he’s planning a) a vacation together b) an event he’d like to take you to a few months down the road or c) wants to introduce you to his parents or children, he’s projecting a future before there is one. I had a guy tell me on a second date that he was thinking of relocating, but he couldn’t move into my house because I didn’t have enough room for his books. I didn’t remember saying yes to a third date, let alone invite him to move in with me.
- Too sexual too soon. If a guy gets sexual before you’re comfortable, he’s coming on too strong for you. Set boundaries by telling him to slow down. If he doesn’t listen, he’s making his needs more important than yours.
The bottom line is, the guy who comes on too strong probably doesn’t have good filters, and he might have poor boundaries.
You ask how you can ‘get his expectations in check.’ You can communicate your feelings and concerns and see what he says. I suggest you set a boundary and tell him how you feel about his fast pace and future focusing. See how he responds. If he gets defensive and makes you wrong for asking him to slow down, it’s time to move on. You say he’s a nice guy, but ‘nice’ is not enough. If a guy is smothering you, that’s not so nice.
You want a man to respect your boundaries, whether it’s physical, sexual or emotional. If he doesn’t, leave him and find someone who respects you and truly sees you.
P.S. If you want to find love this year, there’s nothing like group coaching to keep you accountable and give you dating tools that really work. The Woman of Value Club is my monthly membership group with a one-hour monthly topic-based masterclass about dating over 40, and a private forum for women to connect and share their experiences. All calls are recorded, and you get a an exercise every month to deepen the learning. Check it out and join here.
I move fast into relationships, and if a woman can’t keep up with my pace, my interest cools quickly. In fact, I consider the phrases “let’s take it slow” or “you’re coming on too strong” to be major red flags for me.
The best relationship I ever had lasted 10 years. We slept together on date 2 and were living together after date 3.
If that works for you, that’s great. But you may be missing out on opportunities to have relationships with women who need a little more time to build trust and intimacy.
True, but the women who need a little more time to build trust and intimacy are missing out on a relationship with me.
You’re absolutely right. They are trying to bypass the slow getting to know you phase and jump right in because they are afraid that if you do get to know them, then you won’t like them very much because they don’t like themselves very much.
I can see from Nelson’s reaction that either he doesn’t want to allow a woman the necessary time to get to know him or he is more interested in “having (possessing) a woman” and being in a relationship than actually getting to know her. In my humble opinion, he’s a huge red flag, and one would think that his “we slept together on date two” to mean both of them were desperate to be in a relationship. I want someone who values me for me AND I want someone I can value AFTER we’ve gotten to know each other. Any of us can find someone to hop into a relationship with us. I’ve emotionally matured and would never continue seeing someone who wanted to jump into a relationship with me right away because if he can’t value himself, why would I?