How Can I Get My Boyfriend Back?

Posted by in breaking up with grace, online dating after 40, red flags in relationships | 0 comments

get my boyfriend backHi Sandy,

I’m 51 and have been dating online for about 4 years. I’ve met many quality men and had two serious relationships. The first lasted about a year. He is a very nice person and treated me well. He gave me a very nice birthday gift. But one week later, he wrote me this email:

“I don’t really think I am able to be in a relationship.  It just isn’t working.  I will never be the person you both deserve and will be happy with.  I thought we could get there, but it just doesn’t seem to be happening. I am so very, very sorry for my actions since you are one of the most giving, honest, kind people I have met.  Please forgive me for wasting your time and causing you the pain that I have”. 

The second man was someone I dated 7 times. Every time we saw each other, we were very happy. Then I hurt my right foot in a skiing accident. I had surgery and couldn’t walk or drive for 6 weeks. He came to my house and cooked me food. We slept together on those visits. I really like him. He called on his business trip and told me that he got a gift for me and would see me on Friday. On Friday, he texted me:

“I don’t know if we should meet… I am not ready for a serious relationship and I feel you are getting serious and I don’t want to mislead you…  I think you should have someone looking for a commitment and who is more dedicated… you are such a wonderful, caring person who deserves someone ready to commit.  You will find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. I had nice times with you. I would like to be friends and see what happens over time.” 

Sandy, when I received the notes from these men, I was very upset. It took me a while to recover from the 1st breakup. I am still hoping the 2nd man will come back to me. I really like him. I have texted him once. I have also emailed him, just to say hi and check if he made his doctor’s appointment.

I did not receive a response. I am very sad. Sandy, would you please let me know why I lost these two men? Is there anything I can do to get my boyfriend back?

Thank you very much for your help!


Dear Betty,

You seem like a good-hearted woman, someone with a lot of love to share with a man. And yet the two men you had a relationship with ended things with you in a very similar way. They both pulled away and said you deserve better. They both felt you wanted a more serious relationship than they were looking for.

I suspect that you fall for a man without knowing his intentions. If you’re sleeping with a guy before finding out if he’s exclusive with you, or you’re getting into a relationship without knowing whether he’s interested in a serious relationship, you can easily become a man’s plaything. Sure, he enjoys sleeping with you. Sure, he enjoys having fun with you. He likes when you cook for him and do nice things for him. But when you start to expect things from him – like being in a committed relationship – he gets scared. When he pulls away, you get anxious and start nagging him. You begin asking for more commitment. He runs away. Does that sound familiar?

And let’s take a look at how these men ended things with you. A guy who texts or emails a breakup is not a man with strong character. A good guy talks to you about his feelings face-to-face. He musters up the courage to have a conversation, not a one-way text/email monologue about how sorry he is about having to break up with you, how amazing you are and you deserve better, and how he wants to be friends after sleeping with you for several weeks. Really? Those are just words, and those are the words of a coward who’s looking for a way out without hurting your feelings too much. That is not the type of guy you want in your life, is it?

I suggest you stop being so good-hearted until the relationship is reciprocal. Don’t be afraid to ask a man what he’s looking for – a fling or a serious relationship – from the very first time you meet. Tell the next man that you’re looking for a partner, not a booty call. And take your time before giving your heart and soul to a man. Make sure the feelings are mutual before giving. Lean back and let a man show you who he really is. His words don’t mean a thing without the actions to go with them.

You ask, “How can I get my boyfriend back?”

Don’t wait for guy number two to come back. Let him go. He’s not the man you want. Take some time off from dating and figure out what you absolutely must have to feel safe with a man. Then, look for a man who’s got those traits. Someone kind, open-hearted, caring, and loving. You want a man you feel safe and secure with, not someone whose intentions you constantly question. That’s the man you want to develop a relationship with. Don’t settle for anything less.

Best of luck to you!



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