How Imposter Complex Impacts Dating and Love

Posted by in love after 40, self-esteem in dating | 0 comments

My podcast guest, Tanya Geisler, spoke about ‘imposter complex’ and how it can affect your ability to find and keep love. You’re going to love Tanya!

My podcast guest, Tanya Geisler – certified Life and Business Coach (CPCC), TEDxWomen speaker, and writer – teaches women and women-identified people, how to step into their starring roles, own their authority, and overcome the Impostor Complex in their life, in their work, and in their life’s work.

Check out highlights below for Episode 332 : Tanya Geisler on Imposter Complex and How it Impacts Dating.

How Imposter Complex Impacts Dating and Love

What is Impostor Complex?

The term, ‘Impostor Phenomenon’ was first coined by Dr. Pauline Clance and Dr. Suzanne A. Imes in 1978. They found that high achieving successful women had trouble internalizing their success. They would chalk up their success to luck or timing.

It’s part of our fundamental need to belong as a tribal species. How are we belonging, stacking up and relating to each other?

So many of us that have strong values of mastery and experience, but we’re held back by the imposter complex. [From Tanya’s website: Maybe you’ll “be ready” to sign the deal, say YES to the opportunity, write the book, start the organization when you’ve FINALLY got the degree, lost the weight, received the promotion, made the move, found the right partner…you can fill in your own blank here.



How did you get so immersed in this field?

I couldn’t help but notice the through line running through my high achieving clients. It didn’t matter if they were on the Today Show. I realized that was the thing that ran through my life, too. It was hard to believe in my own PR. I could see it was doing what it’s supposed to do.

Imposter Complex does three things:

  • Wants to keep us out of action
  • Doubt our capacity
  • Keep us alone and isolated


How do we cope with it or with avoiding the experience of it?

There are a lot of ways to break Imposter Complex down. I teach the 12 lies of the impostor complex.

For example: ‘You can’t trust the praise of others’, or ‘your self-doubt is proof of your inadequacies’.
Listen for whatever lie is in the way the most for you, and we can engineer how to move it around.
We apply strategies.

The behavioral traits that get in the way of what we say we deeply want are: procrastination, perfectionism, diminishment, comparison, people-pleasing, leaky boundaries.

The good news: We only experience it because we have strong values of mastery. We don’t experience it in all aspects of our life. Only in the areas that are the most important to us.


How does impostor complex show up in our love lives?

It keeps us from ourselves. When we’re kept from ourselves, we can’t connect deeply with others.
Knowing your value is the most essential place to begin. We have to know who we are, and operate from a place of authenticity in order to be able to connect in love and relationships.


What is Unshakeable Confidence?

It’s the opposite experience of the impostor complex. For us to feel this way, we need to be rooted in integrity, presence (we know ourselves and what works and doesn’t work for ourselves), and action (willing to fail, be resilient and tenacious).

In relationships, if we are not deeply rooted in integrity, presence, and action, we do not find intimacy. How can you sustain being the impostor, like wearing clothes that are too tight, straightening your hair, etc.?

Perfectionism isn’t bad. it has served you well. They’ve all been useful tools. They have been about safety and survival. They are behaviors we want to keep an eye on, so we don’t lose ourselves.

[When I did my TEDx talk, the impostor complex showed up. [25:00]]

We freak out when something matters. For my TEDx talk, I confronted those three things, and I gathered my people and had specific run times with people. I thought about all the times I had done something like this before and discovered the party was on the other side of the resistance. We need to get into and under the fears and inner critics. That’s a great time to have a coach to help you through.

Learn more about Tanya Geisler here, and take her quiz to learn what behavior is standing in the way of your Unshakeable Confidence.

Please take a moment to rate and review our show on iTunes here. Thank you!

Schedule your complimentary 1/2 hour Love Breakthrough Session to learn how coaching with Sandy can help you finally attract in the love you deserve.



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