How to Save Time and Heartache in a Relationship

Posted by in dating after divorce, first date success, online dating after 40, single women over 40 | 0 comments

My client Katie is back in the dating scene after a five year hiatus. She is ready to devote the time and energy to finding a wonderful man. In the past, she had a few unsuccessful relationships with men she met online. They petered out after a few months. One had no sexual chemistry. The others were relationships that didn’t really deepen over time. As a good-hearted 57-year old woman, she tries to give men a chance before writing them off. The problem is, she sometimes gives a guy too much of a chance, wasting precious time in a relationship that has no future. Have you found yourself wondering how much time to devote to getting to know a guy before you know he’s definitely not for you?

Generally speaking, the men I’ve met have no problem determining if a woman is for them. They make quick decisions, usually based on physical attraction.

Many of my clients want to give a guy a chance. They may not be so attracted to the men they meet, especially in the 50 + category of men who are balding, have a beer belly, and lots of baggage from past relationships.

However, my clients are compassionate and kind, which often leads to overriding their gut feeling and spending too much time with the wrong men.

How do you determine if he’s the wrong guy?

The number one surefire way to quickly cut to the chase is with a non-negotiables list. This is a list of the top five values in a man that are not negotiable. These are your must-haves.

Here’s an example of a non-negotiable list:

1. Generosity of spirit

2. Same religious belief system

3. Heart-centered, not ego-centric

4. Creative in some way

5. Open-minded

Once you have your list of the qualities in a guy that you can’t live without, just check the list and see if your new guy fits the bill.

If the answer is no, it’s time to move on and find someone who does.

The more clear you are about that list, the easier it will be to spot a man who is not right for you.

This will save you time, energy, and potential heartache in trying to forge a great relationship with someone who is your ideal match.

In my second coaching practice, I work with entrepreneurial women to help them get more clear about many aspects of their business. One of the first things I do is help them identify their ideal client, which is very similar to identifying your ideal mate.

The problems they have with clients usually stem from attracting the wrong client. If they go back and check their non-negotiable list for clients, they find that the client was a bad fit from the start.

One of my clients worked with someone for 17 years before figuring this out! Those years were filled with a lot of¬†unnecessary¬†heartache. If she had only had that list at the outset, she wouldn’t have suffered so much.

So, the next time you are out on a date, and he seems nice but not really for you, check your list and see if he meets your needs.

If not, you can move on to the next man, and hopefully to a relationship that will meet both of your needs.





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