How to Avoid Getting Dumped
Want to avoid getting dumped? Follow these great communication tips from relationship coach, Chuck Rockey. They might save your relationship!
My podcast guest, Chuck Rockey, discussed several ways to avoid getting dumped. His suggestions may surprise you! He is a Princeton-educated software engineer turned dating and relationship coach with a passion for helping clients gain more happiness and vitality.
Chuck prides himself on guiding people to add new dimensions to their lives – such as self-acceptance, focus, greater connection or whatever they desire to add to their world.
Check out the show notes and listen to EP 388: Relationship Coach Chuck Rockey – How to Avoid Getting Dumped.
How to Avoid Getting Dumped
What made you pivot from software engineer to dating and relationship coach?
I started to want to pursue problems that had more to do with people while I worked as a software engineer. I first went into management, which involves coaching. I then took coaching training classes. One day, I had a stroke, and I couldn’t see well enough to program anymore. I had to find something else to do. I pursued coaching and love it.
What can someone do to proactively improve their relationship and avoid getting dumped when there’s tension?
Open up the lines of communication by starting an intimate conversation. The tension may be from your relationship or something outside the relationship.
This can be a tricky conversation to start, how does one go about it?
Pick a good time. Not when you’re tired, but both of you are relaxed. State your intention. You might say, “Is this a good time to talk? There’s been some distance between us lately, and I’d like to find out what’s going on.” Sit back and listen.
In Neurolinguistic Programming, or NLP, there are some great techniques for listening. Instead of paraphrasing, find some key words and repeat those.
If someone says, “I want to feel closer to you and have my freedom.” You might say, “Feel closer and freedom.” They will usually open up more. They will feel heard.
Another NLP technique is curiosity. You might say, “What does freedom mean to you? I’m curious.” See what it is to them.
Do you have any good techniques for getting centered before having a tough conversation?
Meditate, slow down your breath, and regulate your body. Also, remember that both of you are capable adults with the ability to work through this. Come to the conversation with the expectation that it’s going to be okay.
How can someone take it one step further and potentially create more harmony and closeness in the relationship?
After your partner shares, and you think you understand what they said, own up to how you might have contributed to it. Then share what’s going on for you in the relationship, too.
What do you do if your partner is reactive?
Repeating one or two words will calm them down. Taking a time out also helps if you notice reactivity. “I notice the conversation is getting a little heated. Let’s take a little break, and come back to it later.”
When do you know it’s time to call it quits?
It’s time to leave if: there’s a lot of bullying or abuse, or your partner is constantly tearing you down rather than supporting you, or you talk about something good that happened, and they cut you down. That’s a problem for your self-esteem and your relationship. If your partner is not willing to work on the relationships, and the joy has gone out of the relationship, it could be time to quit.
What are some questions to ask before you get into a relationship to avoid getting dumped?
Know if your values align. You have to explore the things that are important for you and what you want in a relationship. For example; adventure, honesty, a caring relationship. Then you can begin to search for that in others. Then look for common interests and life goals.
When you’re dating, soften the questions so it doesn’t sound like an interrogation. “I’m curious” is a great way to do that. Also, a slow reveal is important. When you ask someone about their passions, ask them what they love about that. If it’s important to them, they will reveal who they are.
What are your final words of advice for those who want to go on their last first date?
Ask your date, “what lights you up right now?” As soon as you get into values and what motivates them, you’ll go deeper with them.
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