How to Create Your Must-Have List

Posted by in understanding men over 40 | 0 comments

must-have list

Want to get clear about your must-have list in dating? In this video, you’ll learn my surefire method for creating your must-have list!

I believe that to date most effectively and with the least amount of heartache, you need to be clear about your must-have list. These are the character traits you absolutely need in a relationship. 

When you’re first dating, it’s not always so easy to figure out if a guy is right or wrong for you. Most men have many redeeming qualities, but that doesn’t necessarily make him the right fit for YOU, especially if you’re looking for a long-term relationship.

How to Create Your Must-Have List

If you’re unsure about whether a man has long-term potential, it helps to ask yourself, “Can I imagine spending a lifetime with him exactly as he is now?” 

Stay away from ‘If only’ thinking. It doesn’t work (as in, “He’d be great if only he’d stop drinking.” or “He’d be the right guy for me if only he’d stop being so irresponsible with money, kept a job for more than 6 months, treated me better, was more respectful to to the waitstaff, etc.”

If you can’t see yourself eventually loving him as he is, you’re probably with the wrong man.

No one is perfect, and his habits may annoy you, but you can learn to be forgiving of or negotiate with annoying habits. What you can’t negotiate is a crucial character trait that is missing from the person you’re dating.

I’ve met many wonderful men who were sweet, kind, and smart, but they were missing one or two items on my must-have list. One man I dated was sexy, fun, brilliant, and an amazing kisser. But one of the items on my must-have list is kindness, someone who shows up and has my back. When I had a family crisis and he wasn’t there for me, I had a talk with him about my must-haves and said goodbye. He made all kinds of excuses – stolen iPhone, away on a skiing trip, blah blah blah – but I was done. It’s easier to move on when you have your must-have list in front of you.

Create Your New Must-Have List

Here’s how…

1. Think about how you want to FEEL when you’re in a relationship. Most women say safe; emotionally, physically, and financially. Another might say alive, seen, heard, understood, cared for, inspired. Create a list of how you want to feel.

2. Narrow that list to the top five or six. In order to do that, ask yourself, “Would I get divorced if this trait was missing?” 

3. Now, for each item on your list, ask yourself, “Who does he need to be in order for me to feel this way with him?” For example, if I want to feel safe financially, he has to be financially responsible. To me, that means he has saved up for retirement, he doesn’t overspend, etc.

4. This is your must-have list!

If you have trouble with this exercise, think about what did and didn’t work in your last relationships. That should help you get started.

The next time you’re on a date, keep your list front and center as you get to know this new man.

If a sense of humor is on your list and you’re not laughing together, he’s not your guy. If kindness is on your list and he’s rude to the waiter, don’t give him another chance.

If that’s the case, move on to find someone who has the qualities you can’t live without. Compromising on your non-negotiable list will only make you unhappy in the long run.

Using this sift and sort process will help you waste less time with men who are merely a detour on your journey towards finding your Last First Date!

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to find love this year, sign up for a complimentary 1/2 hour breakthrough session with Sandy

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Get a copy of Sandy’s book, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love.


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