How to Deal With Chronically Difficult People

Posted by in communication skills in dating, dating a dangerous man, love after 40, red flags in relationships | 0 comments

difficult peopleIf you’ve ever been in relationship with a chronically difficult person, Dr. Rhoberta Shaler has terrific strategies and insights. 

As a relationship consultant, speaker and author, Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, The Relationship Help Doctor, provides urgent and ongoing care for individuals, couples, companies, and even the United States Marines. She works with the partners, ex’s, adult children, and co-workers of chronically difficult people. She calls them “Hijackals™: people who hijack relationships for their own purposes while relentless scavenging them for power, status, and control.

Join me as Dr. Shaler offers the insights, strategies, and support you need to reclaim hope, confidence–and your sanity–when dealing with the constant uncertainty and jaw-dropping behaviors of Hijackals in your life, at home and at work.

How to Deal With Chronically Difficult People

What’s the difference between a difficult person and a chronically difficult person?

A difficult person is difficult momentarily because something difficult happened in their life.

A chronically difficult person creates difficulty frequently and with many people. 

Donald Trump is a first class Hijackal. He’s very scary. The other day, he phoned into a morning show. The host played back a few clips of things he had said, and he denied that he said it or meant it. When it wasn’t a win any longer, he disowned it and pretended it didn’t happen. [That’s the sign of a chronically difficult person].

You call chronically difficult people Hijackals. How do you define a Hijackal?

1. Hijackals have an amazing capacity for black and white thinking. When you’re doing what they want, you’re the best person in the world. When you’re not, you’re the worst person. It can turn on a dime.

2. They must win in all situations. It’s a non-mutual relationship. 

3. They always blame you for everything. It’s always your fault.

4. They thrive on keeping you in an uncertain state. 

5. Incredulity. They display jaw-dropping awful behavior. You say to yourself, “They didn’t really say that, did they?” We backpedal and try to rationalize their behavior.

What are the red flags I need to pay attention to when dating or living with a Hijackal?

If you’re dating a Hijackal, it might look or sound like this: 

You go on a date, and you’ve seen this person a number of times and think there might be something here. And then you notice that maybe they don’t show up at the set time. And they say, “I have a life, too, you know. I think at this point in our relationship, we should have some wiggle room.”

The red flags are: lack of respect, creating conflict, and not being treated equitably. There must be mutuality for the relationship to grow.

What can I do if this is all beginning to make sense to me? 

The first step is to step back and be wise to the patterns. Then, get some help. You might be an ex of a Hijackal or raised by a Hijackal. My mom was one. I was well trained to live with Hijackals, so I chose one to marry. You have to know how to recognize it to stop being Hijackal bait.

Is there any hope for a healthy relationship with a Hijackal? 

It depends on the severity of the behavior of the Hijackal and the willingness of the Hijackal to work on themselves and the relationship. You change first. While you’re still in the relationship. Try all the strategies. If they work, great. You can see if the relationship can be helped. Use the relationship as a learning and growing medium. 

Such an important topic!

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