How to Find and Keep a Good Man
Ashley Arn is happily married and passionate about helping others experience the joy that comes from sharing a deep connection with your partner. She has earned a Bachelor and, Master of Arts degrees specializing in Marital and Family Therapy, and a Doctorate in Psychology, all of which require extensive training and experience working with people to create loving relationships. Ashley’s experience in relationship psychology and deep understanding of successful matchmaking make her an ideal relationship guide for you. Ashley wants to build a connection with you so that she can help you find that special someone to share your life with.
Ashley was my guest on Last First Date Radio. She spoke about How to Find and Keep a Good Man. Below are loosely transcribed highlights of the show.
How to Find and Keep a Good Man
How can you be the most attractive to the type of man you are looking for?
People are not always being what they want to attract. You have to get inside the mind of your ideal partner to understand what they’re looking for. What signals and cues are you sending?
Be authentic and know who you are. People are not attracted to fake. Know yourself before connecting with a partner. People give off signals of not being available and not being interested. They’re not aware of what their resting face looks like. Sometimes you’re going through your to-do list in your head instead of paying attention to those around you. Focus on making a connection. Walk into a coffee shop with a smile on your face and project positive energy and send signals that you’re available and interested. Women often think that men are much more confident than they are. Men are more insecure than you might think, so give them signs that you’re interested.
Maintain your feminine energy. Successful men have deep masculine energy and want a woman who’s feminine, not a roommate or coworker.
You say, “Don’t date a man’s resume”. What do you mean by that?
Assess a man’s values. Be authentic about what’s important to you and ask questions about values, not superficial things.
So many people want to check boxes. It’s great to be with someone who has similar interests, but it doesn’t do anything for an emotional connection. Emotional chemistry is key in a long-term relationship. Height is something women endlessly have on their list. Height has nothing to do with long-term compatibility. So focus on making an emotional connection, not on superficial things. A resume is only temporary.
How can you get to the emotional connection on a date?
First, be willing to go on dates. Don’t hide behind your computer or phone. Get comfortable with dating so you can be as authentic as possible on a date. Be willing to date a person 2-3 times and give men a chance. They might be nervous. Express your values on dates. For example, “Health and wellness are important to me and that’s why I like to break a sweat every day.” If one person goes to happy hour every Friday night and stays out late and sleeps in, and the other tries to get a good night’s sleep to go on a 30-mile bike ride, you’re probably not going to be compatible.
What type of questions can you ask about values and passions so it doesn’t feel like an interview?
What makes you excited?
What have you done lately that you really enjoyed?
Have you read any great books?
Ask questions about what the person does throughout the week. What do they do when they’re not working? Crossword puzzles? Go out to breakfast?
Share a snippet of what’s important to you and ask a followup question, “And what about you?” Don’t get into your relationship history. But do get into values. Also be willing to listen.
You say that people should be adaptable in the relationship—know your values, but be flexible in how you live them. What do you mean by that?
People get stuck in thinking that things need to be black or white and stick to specific roles. The most successful relationship is very adaptable. There are circumstances where one person fulfills the role of the other. If one spouse loses a job, the other takes over as primary bread winner. Be willing to be flexible for the most successful relationships.
To listen to the entire episode, click here.
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