How to Get Over Your Breakup and Create the Love You Deserve
Breakups can be devastating. In this podcast, Samantha Burns shares how to get over your breakup and move on to create the love you deserve!
My radio guest, Samantha Burns, is a Licensed Counselor and Relationship Coach. She helps you get over your breakup and become a smarter, more intentional dater so you can create the love life you deserve. Samantha has a private practice is Boston, Massachusetts and works with clients virtually around the country offering breakup, dating, and relationship coaching services. She is the author of the book Breaking Up & Bouncing Back: Moving on to Create the Love Life You Deserve, and is an expert contributor to many publications, including Women’s Health, Brides, Elite Daily, and Cosmo. Check out highlights below for episode #307: How to Get Over Your Breakup—with Samantha Burns.
How to Get Over Your Breakup
Tell us how you became a ‘get over your breakup’ expert and why you’re passionate about this topic.
I fell into breakup work because of my own soul-crushing breakup. I felt so alone. I had been dating my live-in boyfriend for four-and-a-half years. On the day I thought he would propose, he broke up with me. I assumed something was wrong with me and I was broken. Why didn’t he love me enough?
I had a strong support system, I was a counselor, and I was still struggling so much. Imagine how confusing and heartbreaking this must be for everyone else! I want people to know they’re not alone and they can turn their breakup pain into an opportunity for personal growth.
I now have a great husband, and we’ve been married for four years. I feel grateful, but not lucky, because I created my life intentionally. And there are strategic things you can do to attract in that love, too.
Why do you think people struggle so much with moving on from their breakup?
Heartbreak can be understood through neuropsychology on a level similar to a drug withdrawal. Brain scan studies have shown that when you see a picture of your ex, dopamine is released, which gives you that giddy feeling. It’s the same brain region as the one associated with drug addiction.
There are many other chemicals released in relationships which make us feel amazing. They also shut down our ability to see red flags.
When you split up, you cut off physical touch. Your brain is chemically dependent on the daily hit of love, which is gone. That’s where you have difficulty sleeping and eating and obsess about your ex.
We also experience triggers; people, places, and things that make you think about your ex. Recipes, smells, cars… We do irrational things like drive by an ex’s house and stalk him, but it’s all part of the physiological process of withdrawing.
There’s even broken heart syndrome, which feels like you’re going to die. It’s rare, but don’t underestimate the physical responses to a breakup.
Don’t misattribute this pain to your ex being ‘the one’. It’s a physiological response. It helps to focus less on the ex and more on the science.
How can you heal and get over your breakup?
1. Adapt a 90 day no-contact rule.
2. Practice self-care.
3. Figure out who you are now.
4. Identify new goals and interests.
5. Understand how your early childhood interactions with your caregiver influences who you date/feel comfortable with. Learn your attachment style.
It’s hard to reopen your heart after it’s been broken. Any tips for people who are scared to start dating again?
It’s not about waiting a certain amount of time, but about the love lessons you learn through the self-reflective work to heal from your breakup. It’s the pragmatic side of falling in love, which will help you attract in the right partner. Look for someone who aligns with your core values. There are examples in the book.
When you dive into dating again, date with intent and purpose. If you just want to have fun, do that, and learn about yourself through that experience. Take off the pressure of having to find a life partner. Just be honest with yourself and men about what you’re looking for.
Breakups disrupt the future you’d planned. Take off the artificial timelines in your head about where you should be in your life.
Listen to the entire interview for more in-depth content and stories shared by Samantha Burns. And don’t forget to order the book.
And check out this post from the Sexy Confidence Blog for more good info on how to get over a breakup!
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