How to Maintain a Lasting Loving Relationship

Posted by in communication skills in dating, dating after divorce, dating in midlife, love after 40, self-esteem in dating | 0 comments

Philippa WallerMy radio guest, Philippa Waller, is a London based Personal & Professional Development Coach, specializing in communication and relationship dynamics. With a background in acting & psychology, she is passionate about helping people reach their full potential. In addition, she writes funny moving stories about love for TV, film & stage. Her first book, Spiral into Love, offers you a whole new way to find love, maintain love and maximize your happiness – every day. In short – you’ll learn how to stop falling in love with the wrong ones and stay in love with the right ones!

Philippa had this to say about the show:

“It was such a pleasure to be Sandy’s guest last night on Last First Date Radio – talking about how to maintain loving relationships. Sandy asks such inspiring questions around relationships that I could talk to her for hours! Her approach is so friendly and so grounded I felt like I’d known her for ages. She is easy and fun to talk to and offers up deep insight and wisdom to any relationship issues. I imagine even one coaching session with Sandy will help you understand the path to happier, healthier relationships – and how to keep your love alive every day!”

Philippa was a fabulous guest, and we truly could have spoken for hours. I want to have her back for another episode. In the meantime, I’ve loosely transcribed highlights of our radio interview. To listen to and download the recording, click here.

1) How can you become more conscious about who you really are and your deepest values? 

When I ask clients, “Do you know who you are and what you value?”, I would get blank stares. People might talk about the value of family and money. But there are so many human values. Spiral Dynamics boils down the human values into five or six groups. We give people colors as a starting point to understand what drives them. A key piece is also how we communicate. Some people are more dominant, some need softer communication. Some speak in ‘I’ and some in ‘we’. For example, “If we can sit down and discuss how to move forward.” That’s a ‘green’ style. Others take the ‘I’ position: “I think we should do this.” Our communication styles are important to our relationships.

Some of the self-oriented values can feel out of alignment for women. It’s important to allow all of the values, especially those that feel selfish.

I have a passion for working with women in their twenties and waking them up to the importance of self-care.

Be clear about who you’re looking for at the deepest level (not simply physical or monetary attributes!) – they will arrive.

There was a time in my life when I didn’t know myself. I didn’t know how to manage myself, so I adapted myself to men. I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best. Once you know yourself, you can set an intention for a lasting, loving relationship. You can’t do it before.

One of my biggest aha moments came when my current boyfriend asked me, “Is the world happening to you or are you happening to the world?”

3) How can you quickly work out your date or current partner’s values? 

The value sets I teach are color-coded. Purple: family, close community and friends, stay near family and familiar, emotional. Red: independent, heroic, creative (in negative it can be abusive). Blue: rules, sacrifice now for pleasure later. Orange: change, excitement, impulsivity. Green: ‘we’, sharing, giving, selfless.

Once you understand the value groups that are most dominant, listen for language by ask open questions on a first date: What do you love about your work? If he says, I love to win and be the best!”, he’s an orange. If she says, “I always love to meet new people on the road”, she’s probably a green.

The next thing you’re looking for is whether they use ‘I’ or ‘we’ most often. Be clear on whether they are self-focused or not. That will tell you a lot about the possibility of a relationship with them.

Once you know the color, you’ll know what triggers your partner. If someone’s a blue and they need everything to be right or wrong, and you think nobody’s ever really wrong, you can speak in their language so an argument doesn’t escalate.

To listen to/download the full podcast, click here. 



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