How to Quickly Resolve Conflict in Dating and Relationships

Posted by in communication skills in dating, dating in midlife | 0 comments

 

Looking for a quick way to resolve conflict in dating? Learn how with my radio guest, Doug Noll. This technique really works.

resolve conflict in datingMy radio guest, Douglas E. Noll, is a lawyer turned peacemaker. His calling is to serve humanity, and he does this at many levels. Using pragmatic and practical skills of peace, he helps people resolve deep interpersonal and ideological conflicts. These skills can easily be used to quickly resolve conflict in dating and relationships. 

He is an award-winning author of three books, a teacher, speaker, and a trainer. His forth book De-Escalate: How to Calm an Angry Person in 90 Seconds or Less was released in September. 

Want to know how to quickly resolve conflict in dating (and have a secret weapon that makes a man fall in love with you quickly)? Check out highlights of episode #276: How to Calm An Angry Person in 90 Seconds Or Less!

How to Quickly Resolve Conflict in Dating and Relationships

 

Lawyer turned peacemaker. That sounds like a contradiction in terms. Tell us about what it means to be a lawyer and a peacemaker.

I stand on the shoulders of other lawyer/peacemakers, like Lincoln and Gandhi. Lawyering is a form of peacemaking, which has been lost in today’s society. The law is powerful at resolving certain types of conflict but awful at resolving other conflicts. People often waste their wealth, and it’s a disappointing experience.

That’s why I left a lucrative career as a trial lawyer to become a mediator. I help more people in a week than I helped in 40 years as a trial lawyer!

 

How do you get someone to calm down in 90 seconds and quickly resolve conflict in dating?

For women looking for relationships and want to connect [to men], here’s the secret. What neuroscience tells us today is we are unable to make a rational decision until we’re emotional first. Most of us have been told that emotions are bad (i.e. irrational). A very simple shift in how we look at people yields magical results.

3-Steps to create deep connection

1. Ignore the words. 

2. Guess at what the emotions are.

3. Reflect back on the feeling.

Example: You’re on a date, having lunch with a guy who’s talking a lot, and you ignore his words and focus only on his emotional experience in the moment. Tune into what the emotions are. Guess at his feelings, and tell him what he’s feeling. “You’re frustrated.” “You’re really angry.” “Nobody’s listening to you, and you’re really sad.” His brain will respond in a specific and powerful way. He feels validated as a human being. (Listen to a great story about how powerful this tool is with men (13 minutes in).

Another tool is core messaging. Ask yourself, what is he/she trying to say? Listen for the core message. Reflect it back with the emotional content in about 15 words.

Extroverts do all their thinking out loud. Introverts process their words internally. 50% of us are one or the other. 

[Listen to a good example of this about 20-minutes into the show, about a man who is talking about his ex on a date, and what you can do to turn the conversation around quickly.]

When you are an effective listener, you are protected from being triggered by the words. You’re also egoless. You’re in a transcendent state of compassionate listening. You’re also reprogramming your brain to become more emotionally aware, and you can deescalate yourself when you’re triggered.

You must deescalate the situation before problem solving. Otherwise, you’re invalidating emotions. That makes things worse.

When we’re around emotional people, it creates anxiety in us. We’re saying to ourselves, “Go away, I don’t want to be with you.”

Instead, tell them what they’re feeling. They will feel heard, which creates deep empathy.

 

Why are you offering your book for free?

I want to help more people resolve conflict and connect more deeply, which is why I can offer my book for free. If people are willing to pay shipping and handling and taxes, $7, I’ll ship it to you.

Click here to go to my website, Dougnoll.com click on the banner, and order the book. You can hear an audio excerpt. You’ll also get an offer to my video course if you want to dive deeper.


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Listen to the episode below, and learn how to quickly resolve conflict in dating and relationships! These skills are invaluable.

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