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How to stop dating a narcissist | Last First Date

How to Stop Dating a Narcissist (for once and for all)

Posted by in dating a narcissist, self-esteem in dating, single women over 40 | 2 comments

dating a narcissist

She just realized she’s been dating a narcissist for the past 6 years. How can she detach and move on?

Dear Sandy,

I just realized I’ve been dating a narcissist for the past 6 years. After 4 years of him not wanting to commit I moved away, but he still makes a point to keep contact. He has visited me 5 times in the past 2 years. He has only kissed me a handful of times and only told me he loved me twice in all these years.

He always made me feel like it was my problem. He has never told me I’m pretty, smart, or anything nice. I always feel bad for him. He was abused as a kid and has a pretty rough past and bad relationships.

He is now being accused of child molestation by his ex-girlfriends daughter that supposedly happens 12 years ago, and he may go to prison. I feel if I try to completely end things now I will add fuel to the fire.

I feel sick. He swears he didn’t do it, but if he is a true narcissist, he wouldn’t admit to it anyway, right? I live 1,200 miles away, but how do I end things? He knows my family back home. Will he be a threat to them? Help!

Missy

Dear Missy,

Yikes! I feel your fear and anguish. You’ve been dating a guy who went from self-centered to scary. Your situation is more extreme than most of the issues I deal with as a dating coach. However, the underlying problem is still the same. Dating a narcissist or emotionally unhealthy guy is toxic and it must end.

First, let me state that what I’m about to say is my personal opinion. I am here to offer my help in the hope that you can then seek proper assistance. It’s up to you to deal with your situation responsibly.

How to stop dating a narcissist

It’s important for you to extricate yourself completely from this guy. Here’s why…

#1.“After 4 years of him not wanting to commit, I moved away, but he still makes a point to keep contact”.

Four years is a long time to wait for someone to decide if they want to commit or just keep you around…as an option.

In a healthy relationship, you would feel safe with a man and never have to wonder where you stand.

A good man cherishes you, and he shows it in many ways. It doesn’t sound like you got any cherishing at all from this guy.

 

#2. “He has never told me I’m pretty, smart, or anything nice.” 

Why would you want to be with a guy who doesn’t value you? Honey, you should surround yourself with people who value and appreciate you for who you are.

 

#3. “I always feel bad for him.” You have a kind heart. And you need clear boundaries. Narcissists love vulnerable, kind-hearted women who have weak boundaries. When you feel bad for someone who turns around and abuses you by taking you for granted? That’s just self-destructive.

 

Please stop trying to fix him. That’s not your job. He needs to figure out his own life. If he experienced abuse as a child, it’s his responsibility to get professional help. It’s not an excuse for him to abuse children. I hope he gets proper help and breaks this terrible cycle.

It’s not helpful if you tolerate his crappy behavior because you feel sorry for him. All that does is enable him to keep treating you (and others) poorly.

You can’t control what he does. But you can control how you respond.

He’s not your friend. He hasn’t been there for you, has he? You have no obligation to be there for him now. He will probably use you as a dumping ground, a place to dump his anger or bad feelings. Is that what you want?

Missy, please learn to treasure yourself more. Be a woman of value. Find your inner-goddess and love her. If you don’t honor yourself, no one else will.

Self-love is at the core of attracting a healthy relationship into your life.

The level of your self-esteem is responsible for the quality of your mate.

You must cut off all toxic relationships to find and attract a healthy guy.

It’s hard to do this alone. Find support—a therapist, a dating coach—and heal from the inside. You deserve the best. Don’t settle for anything less.

As for your family’s safety, they should certainly notify the police if he acts in any way that feels unsafe or harmful. Chances are, he won’t do anything to them. But you never know. Better to be safe than sorry.

How will you end the relationship? You might say something like this:

“I know you’re going through a very tough time. But I have come to realize that it’s unhealthy for me to be in any form of relationship with you. It’s time for me to take care of myself, so I’m cutting off all ties to you. I wish you well. Good bye.”

Whatever you say, make sure it’s short and to the point. Don’t let him manipulate you, plead with you, keep you on the phone. Stay strong.

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

2 Comments

  1. Words to live by! Thanks Sandy

  2. Thank you, Amy!

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  1. I've Dated a Narcissist and I Can't Detach | Last First Date - [...] First, you might want to check out another article I wrote, How to Stop Dating a Narcissist (for once…

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