How to Stop Losing Yourself in a Relationship

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losing yourself in a relationship

If you tend to lose yourself in a relationship, listen to this episode as I coach Salli, who gave up parts of herself in past relationships.

Salli wrote in to the show: “I’m not currently dating as I can’t figure out how to balance all I have going on with work and home and my son. But in my past relationships, my issue was losing myself, even though I’m independent and happy and have a lot going for me. I focus so much on the other person and I’m anxiously attached, even when I feel great alone. I have often chosen men that need me to support them emotionally or financially or they don’t love all of me or fully accept me. They want all the good stuff and I get parts of them.”

Listen as I coach Salli about how to reclaim the parts of herself that get lost, and how to prevent losing herself in a relationship in the future.

EP 496: Live Coaching With Salli – How to Stop Losing Yourself in a Relationship

In this episode of Last First Date Radio, you’ll hear:

  • The story of Salli’s most recent two year relationship, where she stopped focusing on herself and focused on her boyfriend instead
  • Her life was together, so she became a therapist and best friend to him
  • She lost her sense of self and became exhausted
  • Her earliest memory of losing herself was when she was five years old.
  • She had an alcoholic mom with emotional problems who didn’t really want a child.
  • Salli compensated by trying to be perfect and happy, but no matter what she did, it wasn’t enough.
  • Her parents divorced when she was five.
  • Lived with mom until she was ten.
  • She had a constant fear of losing her mom, losing parents.
  • Felt like she was too much for everyone, not good enough.

Our earliest experiences with our caretakers/parents are the blueprint for our love life. Salli needs to heal and reparent her little self to give her the love she didn’t get at home. That will help her choose a healthier partnership.

Salli’s Ideal man: 

  • Has done inner work 
  • Is grounded
  • Has a long term consistent major job
  • Someone she can lean on – without a price
  • Generous and freely giving, where there’s an exchange of love and giving
  • Is into her son

 Lessons learned from this relationship:

  • Listen to what men tell you from the beginning.
  • Maybe it would have been better to let it go when she saw the red flags at the beginning.
  • You can’t make someone what they’re not by pouring yourself into them. 


  • Look at the picture of little Salli on her fridge every day, and reparent her by giving her the love and affirmation she didn’t get as a child.
  • Keep a list of her must haves and deal breakers front and center, and stick to them as she dates.
  • Remember that a man has to earn her giving and loving heart by consistently showing up and being the partner she needs.

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