How Your Insecurities Lead to a Deeper Love
I was honored to interview the brilliant, sensitive, thoughtful, very articulate Ken Page, author of Deeper Dating. He shared the secrets to deeper love.
My radio guest, Ken Page, LCSW, is a renowned psychotherapist, leading Psychology Today blogger, Huffington Post blogger and author of the bestseller Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy. He has been featured in O, The Oprah Magazine, The New York Times, Cosmopolitan, Fox News, WPIX-TV News, Match.com, ChristianMingle, JDate and more. Page has led hundreds of workshops on intimacy and spirituality for thousands of participants. His work has been highly acclaimed by numerous top thought leaders, including Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Arielle Ford, Edward Hallowell, MD, Judith Orloff and Katherine Woodward Thomas.
Check out highlights below for episode #261: Ken Page on How Your Deepest Insecurities Can Lead You to True Love.
How Your Insecurities Lead to a Deeper Love
Ken, tell us your story of how you found the love of your life.
I had called myself chronically single. I met my partner who became my husband eight years ago. I was 52-years-old. [Before we met,] I realized how many mistakes I was making. I kept trying to find love through my insecurities. I had so many insecurities, growing up in the gay men’s world which focused more on how to find quick sex, not lasting love.
I got a ton of help and the deepest thing I learned was that our deepest insecurities reveal our greatest gifts. I encourage everyone who’s listening to think: What are the parts of yourself that you’re most timid to share in your dating life? The most tender parts. People might not understand these parts. So you doubt them.
The amazing truth is that those qualities are your greatest gifts. Instead of hiding them, honor them and treasure them to let them light up. Make the choice that we will only choose people who will honor and respect those parts.
When I was younger, I tried everything. I was buff, in perfect shape. Did it help? Maybe for sex. Maybe for first dates, but not for last first dates!
My dad was a 90-year old holocaust survivor. When I met Greg, he said, “You guys fit together like an ass and a pale! I can see it.” When I found out my father was dying, we raced over to him, and we brought in a justice of the peace, wrote our vows, gathered in his room and got married in front of him as he passed away.
How do our insecurities reveal our deepest gifts?
The parts that are sensitive—like we’re too much or too little—that’s where our true gifts lie, and that’s how we will find our true deeper love.
How can people reveal their insecurities in dating without feeling exposed and vulnerable?
When we don’t have a sense of treasuring our sensitive side, we have to develop our armor. We do that by choosing people who will never be able to love us as peers.
When we develop the dignity to say, “My ability to be generous (or whatever other ender part of you) is a treasure. And I’m not going to let it be walked on.”
We make the decision to only choose people who treasure and honor those parts of ourselves. We start to notice qualities of kindness, and that becomes sexy to us.
Would you share a transformative exercise with us to connect to the more authentic person you’re becoming?
The quicker we regain connection with our worth, the quicker we pull ourselves up.
Close your eyes. Picture your core gifts. Sensitivity, vulnerability, tender parts, and intense parts that give a lot and ask a lot. Picture a future you, a you that knows how to treasure your tenderness, your goodness. Fantasize about you on the other side of your glass ceiling. The you you’re meant to be. Picture that you. What do your eyes look like? How are you standing? What’s it like to be in your skin, radiating the essence of who you are, full of your humanity, so much less afraid to be generous of your authenticity.
You might not get a full picture. You may even get little tiny moments of glimpses. That’s okay.
Every day, picture that part of you. Sit and relax with a notepad or journal. Write yourself a letter of guidance. Every day give a different message from your soul. It will be more compassionate than how you ever talk to yourself. Your only job that day is to remember that lesson.
It’s like your inner coach giving you guidance.
Whats the one thing you want to leave listeners with?
The messages you get from the dating experts and media that make you feel desperate, that you have to be irresistible, lose ten pounds? Dump them. They will not get you the relationship you desire. You don’t need to fix yourself. Learn the truer deeper path to love.
If you want to know more, sign up for Ken’s mailing list deeperdating.com. Get your free gift, and be a part of Ken’s learning community.
To listen to the entire episode on Blog Talk Radio, CLICK HERE.
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