I Don’t Want to Live Alone Forever

Posted by in dating after divorce, self-esteem in dating, single women over 40 | 0 comments

 broken heartDear Sandy, 

I am 34 and a mom of a 6 year-old daughter. I have been separated 3 1/2 years and divorced 8 months now. My ex has moved on and has already had another child.

I have dated the same 3 guys (2 from my previous life as a teen) since being separated, and I now feel like I am losing it. I feel like there is a revolving door on these relationships – we stop dating for the same reason every time, and yet, I go back to try to date them again because of my fear of failing at finding someone new. I have an extreme fear of trying again. I’m at the point where I don’t know what’s worse: the feeling of dealing with the same knuckleheads or the fear of starting over…it seems either option leads to failure for me.

I definitely don’t want to be alone and feel like I’m a good person (pretty, hard-working, intelligent, funny, and a good mom), but I am starting to lose sleep at night. I don’t want to live alone forever.  

I know you have a million clients and programs to handle, but I just need a little help to make it. I am seeing a counselor in the hopes of regaining my sanity for myself and my daughter. Please help me in any way you can. 

Thank you in advance,

Roberta

Dear Roberta,

Take a deep breath in. Now blow it out. You sound so sad, hopeless, and lonely right now. I understand. Divorce is painful. Being a single mom of a 6-year-old is hard work. Watching your ex move on AND have another child in such a short time stinks. The good news is that the loss of a marriage is an open door to a chance at a better relationship. What you’re feeling right now is only temporary. You are too wonderful to live alone forever.

I want you to meet a great guy, as you so deserve. And I don’t want you to settle for the 3 knuckleheads you’ve been dating. There is a reason you keep breaking up. The men you are dating are not right for you. Don’t go back to them. I mean it. Even though you don’t think so right now, I can guarantee there are other men out there who are a better match.

But right now, I want you to take a break from dating. You need to date yourself now. You need to fall back in love with Roberta before going on another date. You need to heal your broken heart.

Get ready for the Last First Date Dating Detox.

For the next month, I want you to abstain from dating.

Get a journal, make yourself comfortable, and get ready to answer the following questions. Remember, this is just for you, so be totally honest.

  1. Who are the men that you’ve had long-term relationships with (as far back as you can remember)?
  2. For each man, write his name, how you met, what you liked about him, and why you broke up.
  3. Look for patterns. Did you meet the men in similar places? Did they treat you in a similar fashion? Write down everything you can remember. This is important. You want to recognize patterns in the relationships that didn’t work out.
  4. What was your relationship with your father like? Do you notice any similarities to the relationships you’ve had with your romantic partners?
  5. Would you date yourself? Why/why not?
  6. Do you often find yourself giving and not receiving back from your partner? Give examples.
  7. Think of a successful relationship in your life (friend/coworker/parent). What makes it successful?

When you’re done with all 7 questions, sit down and read your answers. Next, I want you to imagine that you’re someone else – a very good friend of yours. Read your answers again, but through the eyes of this loving friend. It may be hard to do, but the point is to step outside of yourself and try and see how a loving friend would see you. What would she say to you about your relationships? What advice would she give you?

For the rest of the month, spend time doing things you love. If you don’t have a hobby, find one. Take a class. Laugh. Go out with friends. Take baths. Luxuriate in the wonder of Roberta!

This dating detox program should help you gain more perspective on who you are and what you need in order to forge a healthy loving relationship with a wonderful man.

Please take the time to detox and take a break from dating. And break up with the knuckleheads.

You are a good person. You are pretty, smart and a treasure. But if you don’t believe in yourself, why would any man of value want to believe in you? Once you’ve learned to appreciate and love who you are and gained some distance from dating, you’ll be able to get back out there and date with honor.

I’m here to support you when you’re ready to date. Please keep me posted. And keep your chin up. You will not be living alone forever.

xoxo

Sandy

 

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