If a Man Asks You to Plan the Date…
Ladies, if a man asks you to plan the date, what do you do? In this video, I share my thoughts on this controversial topic.
What do you do when a man asks you to plan the date? A woman wrote a post about this topic in my Facebook group, Your Last First Date, this week, and it generated a lot of differing opinions, so I thought I’d share my thoughts. Here’s what she wrote: “I met a guy on Sunday. He seems put together, stable and intelligent. It was a very nice connection. At the end of the date, he asked me whether I wanted to go out again on Saturday. I agreed, and a few days later, he asked whether I had any ideas for Saturday’s date. He’s been busy and didn’t have time to think about it nor research. I agreed to do it. However, a part of me feels that I’m entering the pattern of doing all the work. I feel that if he really liked me he would text me and make the plans. I am the anxious type and don’t want to self sabotage with negative thoughts. Am I overthinking due to my past experiences? Has anyone had a positive experience with a guy who didn’t initially plan or have check-in texts prior to date?”
What do you do if a man asks you to plan the date?
There are two basic schools of thought in dating:
1) Men always take the lead
2) Dating is nuanced and there are no black and white rules
If you believe men always take the lead, you’re going to be very passive in dating. You’re going to expect men to plan dates, pay for every date, and do everything they can to court you and win you over.
But, are you passive in the rest of your life? Do you want men to power over you instead of powering with you? Because that’s exactly what this type of setup can lead to.
If you’re like me and believe dating is more nuanced, you will expect a give and take in dating and certainly in relationships. If you enjoy planning and you’re better at it than he is, why not plan? If you don’t enjoy planning dates, speak up and let the man know.
You won’t make up a story about what it means when he asks if you have ideas for what to do on a date, because it could mean so many things, and they’re not all about him being too lazy to put any effort into planning.
For example, in the case of the woman who wrote the post, the man had planned the first date, and he had set a date for the following Saturday. He told her he had a busy week and asked if she had any ideas for the date, because he didn’t have time to plan. No time to plan doesn’t mean “I don’t care about you enough”.
She said yes, but she’s concerned it will become a pattern where she does all the work in the relationship if they become serious.
Here’s what’s missing when someone begins to take on the role of overdoing and over giving – they haven’t spoken up and stated their desires and needs.
What this woman might do is agree to plan this date, and ask if he can plan future dates. She can tell him she plans everything in her daily life, and she appreciates it so much when men plan. It makes her feel supported or cared for.
I don’t suggest you tolerate someone who treats you like a last minute option, or someone who never puts effort into planning dates. Notice how he shows up for you. Does he respect you? Is he present on dates? Does he struggle with planning due to ADD or something else?
Ladies, give men some grace, and know that most men who ask what you’d like to do on a date only want to make you happy. They want to know what YOU’D enjoy. Tell them what you want. And stop assuming that all men are evil and will be just like your ex.
Each man you date is a clean slate. Assume the best, not the worst, and communicate what you want and need. That’s the best path towards your last first date!
Are you in school #1 or school #2 when it comes to planning a date? Post your comments below.
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