If He Wants to Break Up, Why Is He Still Sleeping With Me?

Posted by in breaking up with grace, dating a dangerous man, red flags in relationships, self-esteem in dating | 0 comments

why is he still sleeping with me Dear Sandy,

I was dating a guy—he’s 53-years-old and I’m 33. Yes, there’s a big age gap, but I fell in love with him. We always enjoyed our time together. I thought we could have a serious romantic relationship. One day, I received an email from him saying he is not ready for a real relationship. I tried so hard to change his mind. He said his main priorities right now are his health and his job. I already invested so much in him, and at the end he tells me he is not ready? I can’t figure out why he said this. He was so nice to me the whole time. How could he drop me so suddenly? And just last week, I was at his place and we got intimate again. If he wants to break up, why he is still sleeping with me? 



Hi Kara,

It’s painful to learn that your feelings for a guy were not mutual. You wanted different things. It sounds like he desired your company, your youth, your sex if you were sleeping together. That doesn’t mean he ever wanted commitment. You wanted a serious relationship. Next time you’re in the courtship phase of a relationship, let the guy know what type of relationship you’re seeking early on. Make sure you’re both on the same page. It doesn’t have to be awkward if you’re matter-of-fact about it.

You can say something like, “John, I’m tired of first dates that don’t lead to a relationship. I’m ready to settle down and start a family. How about you? What are you looking for?”


If He Wants to Break Up, Why Is He Still Sleeping With Me?


If you look back on this relationship, you’ll probably see that there were signs of his lack of commitment all along.

It’s not the age that’s the issue. It’s his emotional immaturity.

A mature man doesn’t break up by text or email.

He does it face-to-face. And he doesn’t sleep with you after breaking up. Please walk away from him to make space for the right man.

And next time, ignore all the lovely things a man might say. Pay closer attention to his actions.


3 Signs of a healthy relationship

  1. Is he there for you when you need him?
  2. Do you feel emotionally safe with him?
  3. Can you be yourself and not feel judged?


Those are the types of things that matter most. Not how hot he is or how amazing sex is. Good sex is important, but if it doesn’t come with kindness and consideration, it’s not going to sustain a relationship.

So, please stop communicating with him. If you don’t, he’ll continue to use you for the comfort, sex, whatever… But what are you getting out of it? Little crumbs of attention. And you’re hoping that he’ll eventually change his mind and fall in love with you, right?

Please honor yourself and do the hard but honorable thing. Cut off ties and take some time to heal. Find a good support system; a therapist, coach, etc. And learn the signs of a good man, someone who will be there for you and cherish you for who you are.



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