I’m Sick of Men Looking for Younger Women

Posted by in dating after divorce, dating in midlife, online dating after 40 | 6 comments

men looking for younger women

This 45-year-old woman is sick of older men looking for younger women on online dating apps. Here’s what I told her…

Dear Sandy,

I’m 45, I have a doctorate, and I’m fairly independent. I look about 10 years younger, I’m really energetic, and I still enjoy many of the things I did in my 20s and 30s. But in online dating, men my age are not looking at women my age. They’re looking for younger women. The men I do hear from are older than me by 10-15 years, and are looking for a far more mellow lifestyle, or they’re trying too hard to be youthful. I don’t want to date men who remind me of my dad, who want quiet dinners or sitting home watching movies.

On the flip side, when I meet men in real life, I do attract more of the type of man I like — my age or younger, energetic, out and about — and yet when they find out how old I am or that my kids are in their late teens, they get freaked out (much like they get when they learn I have a PhD), as if I have tricked them somehow on purpose — because they think I’m in my 30s. I guess when the right guy comes along, this won’t happen, but I feel very discouraged.  How does one navigate this “glass ceiling” of aging?

I want to be in a relationship, and I’m worried it’s not going to happen. I’m sick of older men looking for younger women!


Dear Fran,

I understand your frustration about older men looking for younger women, and you’re not alone. I’d like to offer another perspective on older men dating younger women, or what you call the “glass ceiling of aging”. 

An older man can dream of his fantasy arm-candy, his midlife crisis temporary cure, his ego-boosting babe. But it’s just a fantasy for many of these guys. They may not even realize that what they’re really looking for is someone they can relate to on a deeper level, someone like you.

That’s why I suggest you write to the men you like on dating apps, no matter their age preference. Because the right man will look at your profile and think, “This woman looks and sounds amazing. I want to get to know her.” This won’t happen with every man you message, but I suggest you ignore the age demographic online and write anyway. 

It’s also important not to generalize about age and what it means. For example, there are 40-year olds who are way more mature than 60-year olds.

Older men looking for younger women

Biologically speaking, we are all hardwired to seek out the most youthful, robust partner. No matter our age, we want to be with someone who will live a long healthy life. Back in the day, when marriage was about having a partner to help run the farm and procreate, before love stepped in to complicate marriage, men looked for signs of fertility in women – rosy cheeks and wide hips. Women sought out the man with muscles, broad shoulders, one who could till the fields and bring home the hunt of the day.

Subconsciously, those instincts are still hardwired into our brains. I once watched a special on PBS about attraction. Young men were shown photos of women in various stages of their menstrual cycle, and across the board, women who were ovulating were rated as more attractive!

As for older men looking for younger women, there’s not much you can do about the men who date to satisfy their ego. Let them do what they want. It’s their prerogative.

A quality mature man will want the whole package; a woman who takes care of herself emotionally, physically, and spiritually. She’s young at heart and playful. She’s smart and isn’t afraid to let down her guard and let the right man into her “inner circle”. That’s a woman of value, no matter if she’s 20 or 90.

Have you ever dated a man who was looking for a younger woman, but happily dated you instead? Please share in the comments below.

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  1. It’s funny how it’s not okay for older men to date young women, but ‘cougars’, or older women dating younger men, is celebrated. Double standards everywhere.

  2. Hey Tim,

    I don’t believe in double standards, and this article doesn’t discriminate between men and women dating older or younger.

  3. It’s interesting she thinks she such a catch; PhD, kids late teens, mid 40’s but “thinks” she looks 10 years younger, annoyed by men who want younger women… News flash: you’re not in your 30’s. When you think you look it, and have a PhD, men wonder why someone with smarts can be so delusional. Maybe you’re trying too hard to get a young man, and you come across as desperate. Or worse, broken and desperate. Men of substance have already experienced it. They don’t want any more.

    Instead of trying to prove that you’re such a catch, so intelligent, beautiful, younger than your years, why not try just being. Just be. Be an intelligent, warm, real, woman in her 40’s and stop criticizing men who have had enough of women who have strange emotional needs to maintain some strange facade and need men to validate their facade in order to date them.

  4. Comment * call me crazy but I’m looking for a woman who is around my age or older. I find them to be more sensual,romantic and intelligent.

  5. I would never call you crazy, Kevin 🙂

  6. @ Tim… Older men dating or marrying younger women is not frowned upon. This has been the “NORM” of this planet for centuries. What you may be experiencing is men your age “disapproving” of you dating a younger woman because they are envious! A significant percentage of younger women are attracted to older men. The Cougar “thing” is much more recent in human history… this is why it becomes “news” to the world! Something disruptive for sure.


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