I’m Sick of Men Looking for Younger Women

Posted by in dating after divorce, dating in midlife, online dating after 40 | 2 comments

men looking for younger women

A middle-aged woman wrote in. She’s smart and successful and sick of older men looking for younger women online. Here’s my advice.

Dear Sandy,

I am not terribly conventional, I have a doctorate, and I am fairly independent.  I also look about 10 years younger than my age.  I am really energetic and still enjoy many of the things I enjoyed in my 20s and 30s.  But in online dating, men my age are not looking at women my age.  They are looking for younger.  The men I do hear from are older than me by 10-15 years, and are looking for a far more mellow lifestyle (or trying too hard to be youthful — if it is genuine, great, if not, it’s annoying).  I don’t want to date men who remind me of my dad, who want quiet dinners or sitting home watching movies.  On the flip side, when I meet men in real life, I do attract more of the type of man I like — my age or younger, energetic, out and about — and yet when they find out how old I am or that my kids are in their late teens, they get freaked out (much like they get when they learn I have a PhD), as if I have tricked them somehow on purpose — they think I am in my 30s.  I guess when the right guy comes along, this won’t happen, but I feel very discouraged and am not sure any more where to look to meet anyone.  How does one navigate this “glass ceiling” of aging?

I want to be in a relationship, and I’m worried it’s not going to happen. I’m sick of older men looking for younger women!


Dear Fran,

Here’s the deal with middle-aged men online; they may post that they’re looking for much younger women, but you can actually ignore that little tidbit of information and write to them anyway. An older man can dream of his fantasy arm-candy, his midlife crisis temporary cure, his ego boosting babe. But a quality man, one who wants a relationship with a solid amazing woman over 50, will look at your email and profile and think, “This woman looks and sounds amazing. I want to get to know her.” This won’t happen with every man you write, but I suggest you ignore the age demographic online and write anyway. I do it all the time and have dated men of all ages whom I met online and offline.

It’s important we don’t generalize about age and what it means. For example, there are 40-year olds who are way more mature than 60-year olds.

Men looking for younger women

Biologically speaking, we are all hardwired to seek out the most youthful, robust partner. No matter our age, we want to be with someone who will live a long healthy life. Back in the day, when marriage was about having a partner to help run the farm and procreate, before love stepped in to complicate marriage, men looked for signs of fertility in women – rosy cheeks and wide hips. Women sought out the man with muscles, broad shoulders, one who could till the fields and bring home the hunt of the day.

Subconsciously, those instincts are still hardwired into our brains. I once watched a special on PBS about attraction. Young men were shown photos of women in various stages of their menstrual cycle, and across the board, women who were ovulating were rated as more attractive!

As for older men looking for younger women, there’s not much you can do about the men who date to satisfy their ego. Let them do what they want. It’s their prerogative.

A quality mature man will want the whole package; a woman who takes care of herself emotionally, physically, and spiritually. She’s young at heart and playful. She’s smart and isn’t afraid to let down her guard and let the right man into her “inner circle”. That’s a woman of high value, no matter if she’s 20 or 90.

I’m passionate about helping women over 40 attract and sustain a healthy, lasting, loving relationship. That’s why I made my coaching affordable to everyone, not just those who can pay for my exclusive one-on-one training. Join the Woman of Value Club and have access to monthly topic-based calls where you’ll learn highly effective dating skills. You’ll put them into practice and have the support of myself and your peers to help you laugh (and sometimes cry) through it all. I’ll help you stay focused and positive towards your goal of attracting the love of your life.



  1. It’s funny how it’s not okay for older men to date young women, but ‘cougars’, or older women dating younger men, is celebrated. Double standards everywhere.

  2. Hey Tim,

    I don’t believe in double standards, and this article doesn’t discriminate between men and women dating older or younger.


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