Improve Your Self-Love to Find a Loving Partner

Posted by in love after 40, self-esteem in dating, single women over 40 | 0 comments

self loveDear Sandy,

I’ve given dating advice to all of my friends, but I myself have never been in a real relationship, and frankly, I’m getting pretty darn lonely. The last “relationship” I had, it turned out he was using me to make his ex-girlfriend jealous and win her back. I really would like someone to share myself with, and for them to share themselves with me. Granted, I have one guy interested in me, but I just don’t see him in that way (he’s more like a brother to me). I’m super shy, though I like talking to guys, but a part of me is afraid of getting hurt and I don’t know how to get past that. Another part of me wishes I could be emotionally available, but I’m not–I’m in love with my best friend, and have been for six years. I know that’s hopeless but I want to not only let him go, but also find love. How can I possibly do this? I find it all so hopeless and impossible.

Thank you in advance,

Gabriella, a really love-challenged girl

Dear Gabriella,

Thank you for your inquiry about finding love. Without much background information, such as your age, I don’t have your full picture. But there is still a lot I can offer you in terms of your dilemma.

You say you have never been in a real relationship, yet you felt used by the last guy you were with.

I understand how it feels to be used by someone. When I was younger, I felt like that a lot. The good news is that this is something you have total control over.

You essentially gave up your power to this last guy.

I am big proponent of going into a relationship with your eyes wide open. Check out the character of a guy, making sure his actions match his words.

If you look back, you’ll probably see that the writing was on the wall. He probably did many things that gave you pause and made you feel under-valued.

A boyfriend makes you feel cherished, safe, heard, and valued.

Did he make you feel that way?

You also mention that you are not emotionally available because you’re holding onto hope of being in a relationship with your best friend, someone who is not open to you in that way.

If you can’t be in a full loving relationship with that best friend, it might be time to let him go. If that relationship is torturing you because you can’t be with him in the way that you want, then it’s holding you back from finding true love.

Right now, it seems as if you’re holding out for a fantasy of what might be, which is not letting you be open to the love that is possible outside of that relationship.

Finding love begins with self-love

You must be the love to find the love. 

Guide to building self-love

  1. Take a good look at your self-worth. I am guessing that could use some nurturing. If you were your own loving mother, what would you tell yourself? Any time you believe you’re less than someone else, stop and think about what your loving mother figure would say to you.
  2. Ask three friends what they love about you. Do you believe in yourself in the same way that they do? If you don’t, it’s going to be hard to attract your best relationship. It’s like trying to market a product that you don’t believe in. Why would your love interest buy the product if the owner doesn’t think it’s so great? Own the product!
  3. Look in the mirror and say to yourself, “I am much greater than I believe I am.” Write it on the mirror in lipstick if you like. Create a banner on your computer and look at it every day. Seeing the words can be a great reminder as to how wonderful you are.
  4. Act ‘as if’; fake it ’til you make it. Hold your head up and walk around as a confident person. Smile and make eye contact with more people. Talk to people that you are afraid to approach. Bust out of your comfort zone and see how it feels to connect and be confident. The more you do these things, the more confident you will become.

Your self-love and newfound confidence will soon attract more love into your life.

Let me know how it goes!

xoxo

Sandy

 

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