Is He Interested or Invested in the Relationship?
Is he interested or invested in the relationship? In this week’ video, you’ll learn how to tell the difference early on.
Is the man you’re dating interested or invested? So many women get their hearts broken because they missed the signs of interest vs investment. In this video, I share how to tell if he’s investing in the relationship, so you can decide whether to stay or go.
Interested or Invested?
I had a client I’m going to call Cara. She fell hard for a guy who was from another country. I think he was a professor and supersmart. He had sort of this exotic quality, because he was from another country. And they connected really strongly, a lot of chemistry on the phone and on their first date. And on their second date, she decided [against my instruction] to create an amazing, six-course meal with the cuisine of his country
So she spent the entire day cooking this incredible meal, and he slept over. I cautioned her to not sleep with men until she was exclusive, but she just could not control her impulse and slept with him. Well, the next day I start getting lots of emails from her. She’s freaking out. He has not contacted her since he left.
And she said, “Oh, my God! I think I did the wrong thing.” It was really heartbreaking for her. And I think it really cured her from falling for a man who’s interested versus somebody who’s taken the time to invest in a relationship.
What are the early signs that a man is interested?
1. He’ll say things like, “I haven’t felt this way in years. And you’re the first woman that that I’m interested in since my divorce.” Lots of lovely words. This can happen after a few dates or after a few years.
2. He woos you with expensive dates. He might take you to concerts and buy you gifts and do nice things for you.
3. He tells you what you want to hear. So he might be a really good listener and really reflect on what you want to hear. But maybe he’s not that interested in what you’re really saying.
4. He shows up when he’s having fun. But when you are in crisis, he’s not there. When there’s a conflict, when there’s crisis, this man cannot be counted on.
Interest is a lot of the external. ‘I want to have fun with you. I want to have sex with you. I’m really attracted to you.’
What are the signs of a man who’s invested?
1. He shows up in a crisis. He’s going to drop everything for you. I had a guy once who I was dating, and my front door lock and my garage door broke, so I couldn’t leave the house. I was newly divorced, and I didn’t have extra money to go hire a locksmith and get a whole new garage door.
I called him and asked, “Can you help me?” He lived an hour away. He got right into his car, went to the hardware store, bought a new lock, installed it and fixed my garage door. I mean, it was amazing. That was a man who was completely invested in this relationship.
2. He’s consistent. When you noticed inconsistencies, pay attention, because a man who’s really invested in the relationship is going to show up consistently.
3. He introduces you to friends and family. So many people are in relationships that can last a year or more, and you never meet his children. You never meet his friends. You never meet his family. That’s not somebody who’s really invested in the relationship. He’s hiding you. He’s hiding something. He’s not fully committed.
4. He escalates the relationship. Somebody who’s really into you is going to go from first text on an online site to maybe a video date during covid to dating in person, to locking down to a relationship. And he doesn’t neglect you once he has you. He continues to nurture the relationship.
5. He’s interested in working through conflict. This shows that he values the relationship more than he values his ego.
6. He remembers the important things.
7. He’s able to also let his guard down. He gets vulnerable with you. It’s not just fun and games. He’s somebody who’s willing to let his guard down after he knows you well.
8. He asks you for advice.
9. He sticks up for you. He takes a stand for you.
Once the honeymoon stage is over, is he willing to put the energy and the time into the relationship? Does he show up when you’re in crisis?
Don’t excuse the inexcusable. The next time you’re in a relationship, look for the signs of investment, especially if you really like the guy. And don’t be afraid to ask for what you want.
See if he can show up more. Sometimes guys just don’t know what we need, because we think that if they loved us, if they really cared about us, they would know that we want. That’s not true.
We need to let them know what we need and see if they can show up to invest in the relationship.
Let me know if you have been in a relationship where somebody showed interest, and you confused it for investment.
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