Is My Weight an Obstacle to Finding a Match?

Posted by in dating after divorce, self-esteem in dating, single women over 40 | 0 comments

I chose today’s question because it’s relevant to so many divorced women who are struggling with self-esteem and self-image. How many of you can relate to Kara, a single mom with a toddler, worried that her weight gain might be an obstacle in finding her ideal match?

Dear Sandy,

I’m in my mid 40’s with grandchildren, had just started a new family with a man who had no other children, and now I’m a single mother of a two year old. I am an amazing person! I can do and have done more than most people could imagine being able to do in a lifetime. My biggest problem in getting back into dating is that I’m now overweight. I’m afraid it will be an obstacle in finding a match. What can I do (besides continuing to work on losing weight) to get past this and attract quality matches?


Hi Kara,

You seem to be a woman with a lot of energy and motivation to accomplish great things in your life. In fact, it sounds like you’re successful in most areas of your life, except one ~ finding lasting love.

The good news, Kara, is you’re not alone. The women in my coaching practice are very much like you.

You ask how to attract quality matches. Before we get to that, I have a few questions for you.

1. How long has it been since your divorce?

2. How long between your last two marriages?

3. Have you seen a therapist or life coach to better understand your relationship blind spots and patterns?

I believe that one of the most important things to do after a relationship ends is some soul searching. Have you spent time healing from your divorces?

My coaching philosophy is that the people we attract into our lives are a reflection of ourselves and the healing we still need to do. There’s a reason why people attract the same types in love. It can even extend to choice of friends and work relationships.

I have worked hard to identify my own patterns, and as a result, I now attract healthier relationships into my life, from the men I date to how I relate to my family, friends, coworkers and colleagues.

Your weight gain may be a symptom of some of your inner struggles, but it doesn’t have to define you at all. Many people have shame around being overweight. They might feel judged by others. You can’t completely control how others see you. What you can control is your mindset. How you feel about yourself is up to you.

While it’s great that you’re losing weight, it’s more important that your self-confidence grows along with your weight loss. What makes you feel great about yourself? Where do you feel most successful in life? I recommend that you do more of whatever that is.

In the meantime, there are two things you can do right now to instantly feel better about yourself:  

1. Get a wardrobe consultation from an expert so that you dress well for your body. (Or get free advice by googling ‘dressing for your body type’)

2. Fake it till you’re there. I’m a big proponent of acting ‘as if’. Walk around as if you’re thinner and more confident, and soon, you’ll be feeling more confident. It may sound a little crazy, but believe me, it works.

So, right now, I’d worry less about finding the right guy and more about finding yourself. 

When you’ve worked through your own blocks and limiting beliefs, when you love yourself and are most open to give and receive love, you’ll attract the right man to you like a magnet.

Diets come and go, weight goes up and down, but doing that inner work will change your life for good. That’s more important than any diet you’ll ever be on.

To love,



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