I’ve Dated a Narcissist and I Can’t Detach
I just finished reading your article on how to know if you’re dating a narcissist. I’ve dated a narcissist and I can’t detach and move on. I’m in my 40’s, 5 years out of a divorce in which my ex was having affair and left the children and me completely. Last March, I met a young man online. I’ll call him Jon. He is 28 and has played emotional battery with me over the past year. I only commented on how attractive he was, and soon he swept me off my feet like no other, constant texts (never talking on phone), compliments like I’ve never heard. He made me feel like the woman I thought was gone.
I am an adult and very aware this was not going to work, but he was so convincing. After several months he refused to meet me, had a harem of woman on social media, and was basically the life of the party and a nice guy to everyone except me. I became so insignificant, but he never lets go.
Finally I walked away and found a wonderful man my age, and it’s a match made in heaven. But Jon will not stop texting every day, regardless of knowing that I’m in a relationship.
He recently became involved with another girl, and I can see her becoming crazy too. He leaves me exhausted like he is sucking the life out of me. He texts all day everyday, never respecting what I have to do. My life is consumed some days with him, him, him!
As with this other girl, we are left with our heads spinning, no answers. No commitment, no apologies, but don’t you dare walk away. He will come right back and get you. He wants you close, he wants control, and he will do it in the most charismatic and nice way possible.
Please help! I want to stop this and be happy. I don’t want to care anymore. I blocked his number, but he gets through on iMessage, a glitch in technology. He now moved closer to me with his job. He still juggles her and me, and if I say something, I’m crazy, I’m imagining things, even with the truth right there.
When confronted again, he calls me names. Then he cools off and comes back sweeter than ever. I’m at a loss and would appreciate any feedback.
Dating a narcissist is a no-win situation. I can understand why you’re at wit’s end. I can only imagine what it must be like to have ‘Jon’ in your life, blowing hot and cold, stalking you via text. And your story about Jon disturbs me on a much deeper level.
First, you might want to check out another article I wrote, How to Stop Dating a Narcissist (for once and for all).
I’ve Dated a Narcissist and I Can’t Detach
I have a few questions for you.
1. Why did you continue to engage with a man who never became your boyfriend? His lack of desire to meet you, his texting instead of talking, his need to be in touch with so many women…these are all HUGE red flags. I don’t care if he’s 28 or 48, this guy was bad news from the beginning. Listen to your intuition, and stop communicating with any man who treats you this way.
2. If you’re happily dating another man, why are you communicating with Jon? You say your new relationship is ‘a match made in heaven’. So why is your heart still attached to Jon? You said you blocked his number, and he still got through on iMessage. Okay, that was unfortunate, but where is your responsibility in ignoring his texts? You could probably contact Apple and have him blocked on iMessage. The main issue is, you have given up your power to this man. That’s the part that concerns me the most.
3. Why are you stalking his social media? Yes, I said stalking, because you know too much about him. You’re way too involved in his life. You know his new woman, you seem to be in touch with her to discuss Jon, and you see the ‘harem’ of other women he’s engaged with on social media. Why??
Julie, your issue is not about dating a narcissist, because he was never your boyfriend. You aren’t dating him. You never dated him. You’re issue is that you’ve given up your power to a man. Whether he’s virtual or not, you gave up your power, and you should never do that for ANYONE.
“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.”
Your power is rooted in your self-esteem. Your inner strength is what sets the boundaries for how others treat you.
To reclaim your power, write Jon one last text. Tell him you will report him to the police if he continues to stalk you. Then, contact Apple and have him blocked from your iPhone. Unfriend him on Facebook and any of your other social media connections.
And walk away, Julie. Because that’s how you get back your power.
And remember folks, if you want to immediately turn around your online dating success, sign up here for my FREE report.