Love is Better the Second Time Around

Posted by in dating after divorce, dating in midlife, love after 40 | 0 comments

pat bubashYesterday’s radio show guest, Patricia Bubash, has had a professional career in education for more than thirty years. She’s been a school counselor, family advocate, and adult education instructor. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Stephens Minister. As a counselor, she has served on various boards: Kids in the Middle (children of divorce), The Olive Branch (homeless pregnant teens), and as president of St.Louis Association for Counseling and Development. She’s the author of Successful Second Marriages, and writes for  a variety of online sites. I loved our conversation about finding love the second time around. Following are loosely transcribed highlights of the show. Click here for the podcast.

What hope is there for a second chance at love after divorce and what makes people want to try again?

People are impressed with the idea that love is grand. They want someone to share life’s experiences. But they often have no idea how to navigate through relationships.

I suggest you look at what you want and what you’re willing to give in a relationship.

Do you want someone who is helpful in caring for a home? Loves children? Doesn’t mind 6 cats? You need to talk those things through.

When you’ve had children, that can be very difficult. You really need to work through issues around your kids. This is very important, and can often destroy a relationship if not carefully attended to.

Even if you’ve had a second failure at marriage, don’t lose hope. But remember that it takes work. Take a chance at love if that’s what you want.

What do you mean by ‘giving’ in a relationship?

All the couples I interviewed for my book inspired me to work harder to have a quality relationship. One couple in particular had both been married before and waited a while to remarry. They went to counseling. The woman was very spiritual. The man spent a lot of time in therapy. It’s hard for many to admit that they need help.

Four months into the marriage, he got a call that his father would either need to be put into a home or needed to come live with them. His wife had only met her father-in-law a few times because he lived far away. Her new husband did not ask if he could bring him home. He felt it would be too much to ask. She said, ‘Bring him here.’ She ended up having a wonderful relationship with her father-in-law. It was the best thing ever for his father at the end of this life, and it exemplified the character of this couple and the quality of their relationship.

Another example is a couple who had four kids between them. She didn’t want to marry again because of her painful divorce. They were happy living apart in separate homes. After about five years, her eldest son, 28-years-old, suddenly died. She was in a deep pit of depression and couldn’t go to work. He came to her one day and said, “I really believe we need to get married.” She said, “You know, I will be crying every day.” And he said, “I’ll be there to hold you every day.” They are now almost ten years into a very happy marriage. (I loved that story so much!)

 

Pat was a delightful guest with so much positive inspiration for people who have been in failed marriages. It is possible to find love again. You need to put the work in, but you can make it happen. Pat’s going on 25 years with her current husband, and she thinks this one is a keeper, proving that love is better the second time around!

 

I invite you to listen to the podcast. It’s well worth your time.

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