Maintaining Self Esteem After Rejection
My twenty-two year old daughter had two friends sleep over this weekend. Most of their chatter centered around the topics of dating and marriage. As ultra-Orthodox Jews, their life goals include getting married at a young age. My nineteen-year-old son was abruptly woken up Saturday morning to this loud conversation in the kitchen adjacent to his bedroom: “Blah blah blah weddings. Blah blah blah marriage. Blah blah blah dating.” Two of the girls spoke about their serious relationships. The third was visiting from another state, and had been on several arranged dates in the past two weeks. This last guy seemed like a strong possibility.
The first two dates seemed to have gone really well. The third was scheduled for Saturday night, and she was nervous not to jinx it. In this ultra-Orthodox world, the third date is the clincher. If you are seriously dating, you go beyond three dates. If not, this is the final date. By Sunday morning, she felt confused about where they were heading. She thought they were a good match. But he hadn’t spoken about a next date. She flew back home and anxiously awaited the matchmaker’s report.
Alas, the answer was ‘no’. Downtrodden, she felt like the air was let out of her balloon. There is nothing she wants more than to be married. And yet, time and again, the answer is ‘no’. Whether from her side or his, why can’t she find the guy of her dreams? Is it something she’s doing that sabotages the date? It’s possible that she is saying or doing something that scares men off. It could be as simple as a negative statement that he interprets to mean that she is a pessimist. Or maybe she is nervous and doesn’t show her fun side, which he will never get to know if he ends the relationship too soon. There could be a myriad of reasons why guys don’t want another date. Or girls for that matter. The challenge is to keep on going, to maintain self esteem after rejection.
How do you maintain self esteem after rejection?
1. Know that it’s usually not your fault. Most matches are not perfect. If that were the case, most people would fit with most people. You are looking for someone special, not just anyone. It takes time and effort to sift through to your best match.
2. Sometimes it is something you said or did. This is usually a misunderstanding. Try and find out if the guy was turned off by something you said or did. Perhaps he took your words out of context. This way you can be more aware for the next date.
3. Keep on going. It’s important to not come undone after each bad date. Do something fun. Get together with friends. Be good to yourself. And then get back in the saddle and go on the next date. He’s out there somewhere, and you will never find him sulking in your room.
4. Be grateful. In order to move on in a healthy way, gratitude is key. Watch this inspiring video. Jessica is a toddler, and she is grateful for everything.
If only we could hold onto that feeling of gratitude and self-love throughout our lives, what a better world this would be!