How to Manage Painful Emotional Triggers
Emotional triggers from childhood trauma will resurface in life and love…unless you learn how to manage them. Riana Milne shows you how.
Many of us have emotional triggers from our childhood trauma. My podcast guest, Riana Milne, is a certified global Life, Dating & Relationship Coach, a #1 Best Selling author and expert on dealing with trauma and emotional triggers. She helps one overcome a fearful negative mindset to tap into their personal power and positive, conscious mindset for success in both life and love relationships.
With close to 90% of adults experiencing adverse childhood events, Riana explains how emotional triggers from the past influence our reactions and behaviors as adults, often sabotaging self-confidence and happiness in all life areas. She believes that we all come from an element of childhood trauma, and how we handle that is vital to our relationships.
Highlights below for episode #285: How Childhood Trauma & Emotional Triggers Impact Adults in Life & Love.
How to Manage Painful Emotional Triggers
Tell us a little more about your work as a Life, Love & Relationship Coach, and how you came to do the work you do today.
I’ve been a therapist for over 18 years. As a therapist, I felt I wasn’t serving my clients well enough, so I became a certified relationship coach. I created my program due to my own search. I wanted the answers I didn’t learn in school about how to have an emotionally evolved relationship. 90% of adults have experienced childhood trauma. The work I did helped me attract a healthy partner after examining my own life and abandonment issues with father, childhood bullying, and abandonment.
Can you Describe the TEN TRAUMAS that are experienced during childhood that affect an adult later in life and in their love relationships?
Take a piece of paper, and make three columns. For each of the 10 traumas, ask yourself: 1. Does this apply to me? 2. Does this apply to my partners? 3. Does this apply to my parents? Put a check under each column for those that apply.
1. Addiction: Did either parent have an addiction to porn, sex, alcohol, drugs, TV watching, etc.?
2. Verbal abuse: Did mom and dad yell at each other? Did anyone get the silent treatment? Were you yelled at growing up?
3. Emotional abuse/neglect: Did you experience a lack of emotional safety in childhood?
4. Sexual abuse/rape/molestation: Did you experience any form of sexual abuse?
5. Abandonment: There are two types of abandonment. 1. No fault: your parent died early, had to go serve in war or traveled a lot. 2. Fault: after divorce, dad moves away and breaks promises to see you.
6. Adopted/foster care/lived with relatives or friends.
7. Personal trauma: Bullying, feeling different because you were over or under weight, had a medical condition, etc.
8. Sibling trauma: Sibling born with a medical condition who was given much more attention than other children, or there was a favored child in the family.
9. Family trauma/community trauma: Community trauma refers to fires, floods, hurricanes, mass shooting. Family trauma includes extreme poverty, moving every few years, parent was incarcerated.
10. Mental health: Parent had mental health issue. Two most common are border line personality (loves you one day, yells the next), or Bipolar disorder: Vascilating from depression to mania.
Can you give some examples of the destructive patterns that someone with trauma uses when in a relationship?
People pleasing! Many women are told to be the good girl when they’re growing up. She will people-please and then feel resentful. People with abandonment issues feel anxious and want attention from the opposite sex.
If you feel unimportant growing up, you will often use charm to manipulate and get the attention and love you want that you didn’t get at home.
Lying can take place as a survival tool. For example, if he came home with an F on his report card and gets away with changing it to an A, lying saved him from getting a beating from dad.
A lot of highly successful women do well in business, but they fail at love. They have a high level of control at work, and it doesn’t work in relationships when they try to control a man. I work on helping women get the body and brain to process trauma differently.
It takes a successful single to attract an emotionally healthy partner.
I do a four-step meditation with my clients to help lower stress and blood pressure. The four questions I have them ask when making decisions are: Will these choices hurt me, my partner, my family, or my reputation/job. If the answer is Yes, don’t do it.
Why do things sometimes turn toxic once you’re in an exclusive relationship? Why are there so many break-ups?
Research shows these relationships can start falling apart between 4-9 months when things get more serious. People are on their best behavior until this point. Children who have experienced trauma usually move quickly and are great at seduction.
Heavy chemistry is an unconscious pull to your past. Slow it down. With my coaching, I teach 20 dating questions that clients ask on the first or second date. If they identify severe trauma, they are done. If a couple is fighting, we break down the childhood traumas and understand the wounds of each other. Slow down, take a therapeutic break, come up with two solutions to the problem, and admit where the issue comes from. Then there’s a forgiveness conversation to reopen the lines of loving communication conversation: pitch, tone, volume, pace.
What are a few dating questions that help you decide to date again?
Can you tell me about your mom and dad? Did they talk things out?
Tell me about your siblings. Listen to how they talk about them and whether they’re getting along or not. Know what you don’t want to move towards what you do want.
It’s Time to Have a Life you are Passionate About and the Love You Deserve!
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