My Ex-Husband Was a Cheater. How Do I Trust Again?

Posted by in dating after divorce, infidelity | 0 comments

trust again

Rachel’s ex-husband was a cheater. She wants to know how to trust again. Listen as I coach her on the podcast.

How do you trust again after infidelity? In this podcast episode, I coach Rachel, someone I had never met before, for a one-time session to discuss how to trust again after being cheated on. She was married eleven years to a man who cheated several times. Trust was betrayed, he left her for the other woman, and the divorce was final last summer. She feels she dated too soon, but she got some validation that she was still attractive and dateable. But what about the man she’s seeing now?

EP 601: Live coaching with Rachel – My Ex-Husband Was a Cheater. How Do I Trust Again?

Highlights of the episode

Trust is hard to build after being cheating on. Rachel became hyper-vigilant when she first began dating, questioning everything a man said or did when there seemed to be a discrepancy.

I asked Rachel how she builds trust. She said time will tell. But, that’s not enough.

We discussed her relationship with her ex: Why did he cheat? He had been saying mean things for two years behind her back, and when he cheated the second time, he was done and ended the marriage to be with the other woman. It was devastating.

What attracted her to her ex? He was charming, affectionate, and romantic at first. She later learned he was also narcissistic. She ignored red flags: He told her he had a history of cheating and explained that he had hit rock bottom in the past and wouldn’t do it again. He lied about going out with an ex-girlfriend. She overlooked these red flags, because she thought he was her soulmate. 

We talked about her Love Blueprint: Her parents were not nurturing. There was no visible fighting as everything happened behind closed doors. This set her up for unhealthy patterns in her romantic relationships, as she had no role model for how healthy relationships looked.

How has her current “boyfriend” shown her he’s trustworthy? He lives five hours away, so they don’t see each other more than twice a month. He seemed all in at first, and then he told her he wasn’t sure he could be in a relationship. She said, “I don’t need to be in a relationship. I just need to know you like me.” He said he likes her but is afraid of getting hurt.

Neither is dating anyone else. But they’re afraid of getting hurt if the other person finds someone else.  So they don’t define the relationship, even though it’s been seven months.

Rachel’s Homework

  1. What makes you feel safe and build trust? 
  2. What does it look like to have your own back? 
  3. Ask him what he needs to build trust and feel safe.

Watch this episode on YouTube

Have you ever experienced infidelity? Have you learned how to trust again? Please share your story and takeaways in the comments below.

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