Online Dating Sucks! (And how to un’suck’ it in 5 easy steps)

Posted by in dating after divorce, first date success, love after 40, online dating after 40 | 0 comments

I had a deliciously animated lunch yesterday with three of my divorced friends. We have been divorced for different lengths of time ~ 9 years, 5 years, 3 years and 4 months. So, it was interesting to compare notes on where we all are today.

There was so much to discuss; our relationships with our ex-husbands, our kids, and our dating experiences. The woman who’s been divorced the longest has had several good relationships with men, and she dates fairly regularly. Same goes for me. The one who just got divorced is not dating yet and can’t even think about dating this early in the post-divorce process. We all agreed that she is wise to take time to redefine who she is after so many years in a marriage. When she asked the three of us if there are any good men out there, the one who’s divorced three years exclaimed, “Online dating sucks!”

My immediate gut reaction was to defend online dating. “No, online dating doesn’t suck. Your attitude sucks!”

I didn’t actually say that out loud, because I’ve learned not to offer unsolicited advice. But, I am passionate about the fact that:

when you change your attitude, you change your dating success.

Sure, online dating can be very frustrating. You can email 10 men and get a response from one (or none). You can receive scores of flirts and emails from creepy men. You go on first date afte first date without meeting someone you want to date twice. Or you meet a guy with potential and doesn’t want to date you again.

Yes, I am acknowledging that online dating, and dating in general, is not usually a linear path to success. The algorithm doesn’t look like this:

sign up for online dating = go on date = find relationship of your dreams!!!

No, it looks more like this:

Sign up for online dating = go on date + go on another date + write more emails + wait for responses from quality men + go on more dates + meet someone you want to date again = find relationship of your dreams.

The most important (and sometimes most difficult) component in the above equation = MAINTAIN A GREAT ATTITUDE.

How do you keep up a positive attitude throughout the often frustrating online dating process?

Don’t take it personally. If you write to someone and they don’t write back, the immediate conclusion is either a) they’ve rejected you or b) they’re a-holes.

Here are some other perspectives on why you’re not having success:

a) He is not a paid member of the site. It’s not always obvious if a guy is a paid member. Many people online stay active in ‘looking’ online, even though they can’t read or respond to emails. It’s not personal if he can’t read or respond to your email.

b) He is getting 100’s of emails a day. A good looking, tall, educated, fun guy is inundated with emails. He may not even be reading all of them. It’s not personal if he’s inundated with emails.

c) Your email wasn’t catchy enough. You should try and capture his attention from the subject line to the email content. There is a bit of a science to how to write an irresistible email. I can help you with that. If you’re not writing the most captivating email, he might overlook you. But it’s not personal if you just haven’t captured his attention yet!

d) Your photos weren’t great. Men (and women) are visual creatures. You MUST post your best photos online in order to capture his attention. If you don’t have professional photos that show you in several attractive poses, at the very least get a friend to take some new photos and post them right away. Great photos can immediately turn around your online dating success rate. It’s not you, it’s your photos. So, it’s not personal if your photos don’t best represent you.

e) Your online dating essay is ho-hum. Online dating is like your advertisement. Would you buy a product with poorly written copy or bad photos? Why would a total stranger be lured in by a boring essay? Sign up for my free report (on my home page) or check out my  online profile essay section for tips on how to improve your essay. I also offer three online essay packages, where I write your essay for you. There is no excuse to NOT have a dynamite essay and thereby increase your online dating success. And as you can see, it not you, it’s your essay. It’s definitely not personal if your essay doesn’t have pizzaz!

If you put those five practices in place, you’ll see that there’s a lot you can do to improve your success online.

Feel free to contact me with any questions about how to further improve your online presence and your attitude.

Happy dating!


Sandy, the happy online dater and dating coach


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