An Open Letter To The Man Who Left Me Because I Said No To Sex

Posted by in breaking up with grace, dating after divorce, red flags in relationships, self-esteem in dating | 0 comments

I said no to sexThis article appeared today in Your Tango. Whether a man disappeared after a first date, after sex, or after two months, it can hurt. But it’s OK. Especially if you can learn from the experience. Here’s what happened when I said no to sex.

Dear Disappearing Man,

I want to thank you for waking me up. After going on so many first dates with men who were trying too hard, who were not strong, who didn’t have much of a personality, who had little depth or consciousness, you showed up with your passions, your zest for life, your keen intelligence, your manliness, and your sexiness. You awakened me to the exhilaration of being with a man who is not afraid to express his opinions. You seemed to be balancing your home life (great cook, loving dad) with your work life (moving up in your company, saving and planning for your future). You weren’t afraid to express a strong manliness and desire for my womanliness. And that turned me on. You woke me up to the possibility of having found the mature life partner I have been seeking since my divorce.

But your sexual desire soon took over every conversation. “Hey sexy”. “There is something about you that turns me on”. And those conversations, which soon became quite graphic, took place mostly via text. A grownup man picks up the phone. A grownup man doesn’t only focus on sex, especially as he’s getting to know me. And a grownup man wants to get to know all of me—my heart, my passions, my values, my mind. When a man focuses primarily on sex, I feel objectified. You seemed to respect my wishes to stop sexting and start exploring our whole selves.

Our first date was short and sweet. We met in the park and talked about our lives. We discussed books, our favorite foods, and our children. We connected through our minds and souls, and I liked that. And then the texts began again. At first it was fun and flirty. But then it became graphic and crass. I felt that you were seeing me as a sex object. When I let you know how I felt, you slowed down. I felt respected and heard. And you finally picked up the phone. I loved connecting voice to voice. And then we had our second date.


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