Over sharing in a Relationship? Less Is More!

Posted by in dating after divorce, online dating after 40 | 2 comments

Over sharing in a Relationship

Unfortunately, this guy sabotaged his chance of getting a first date after one email. This is why I’m against over sharing in a relationship.

Do you over share at the beginning of a relationship? Guilty as charged! I used to get so excited when a decent looking/sounding guy connected with me, I’d want to get to know him – all of him – quickly. We’d spend hours on the phone, developing a very intimate relationship, sharing our deepest thoughts, hopes and dreams – all before our first date. What inevitably happened on that first date was disappointment and a crash and burn. I have since learned that less is more in the courtship phase of dating. 

Over sharing in a relationship?

If you’ve shared too much on a first phone call, email or first date, you probably understand what I’m talking about when I say that less is more in the courtship phase of dating. Or perhaps you’ve been on the receiving end of someone who shared too much with you on a first email or phone call.

Sharing too much too soon is often a sign of projection, wishful thinking, and sometimes neediness.

 

Isn’t it important to tell the truth?

Many of my clients have asked whether they should tell the truth about STIs, past relationships, or difficult family situations. After all, isn’t it important to be honest in order to develop intimacy?

There’s a difference between being truthful and discreet with how much we share until we know someone well enough.

The risk of sharing too much too soon is a person will become overwhelmed. Once we like each other, we can handle each other’s ‘stuff’.

People have to earn your stories, and that happens when we build trust—slowly and steadily.

Here’s a first email I received yesterday from a man on an online dating site I just rejoined after a long hiatus. I’ve edited his email for the purpose of this blog. The original was 800 words long!!! I’ve inserted my notes in red.

Hi there,

i am coming to New York early Tuesday morning June 11 to finally meet you on Wednesday night for a very special wedding – of my youngest daughter XXXX and her fiance XXXX – returning late Thursday evening June 13th to XXXX . Finally meet me? We have never spoken or written to each other before. And why is he sharing the intimate details of his daughter’s name and her fiance’s name?

please join me by coming out for some adventurous play, fun, laughs and discovery before, possibly during and after the wedding – lady’s choice !!!

i really enjoyed reading your very upbeat profile and viewing your lovely kind warm smiling pics…

I luv the way you so vividly express yourself in your words, paintings, and multi-modality, multi-layered and multi-textured images.

i am planning to be “doing New York” staying at XXXX Inn in XXXX and i am looking for a lovely, warm, beautiful, friendly and experienced “companion/tour guide” who happens to be a most lovely “Artist and Certified Life Coach” to show me some of the sights both on and off the “beaten track” and beyond 🙂 Again, he tells me too many personal details: the name of his hotel ? TMI!!

does that work or interest you at all ?

i really hope that it does…because although i do not usually reach out to women so much younger than me, even though truth be told age is merely a state of mind and i am the youngest 65 in the whole-wide-world and i really want to meet you and spend some fun quality time with ya – quite possibly and the beginning of so much more ! He’s sabotaging himself by stating that he may not be worthy of a woman almost ten years younger. Also telling anyone that you’re the youngest ___ in the whole-wide-world is just opening yourself up for criticism about how you’re aging. 

i would really be honoured (Canadian spelling) and even quite honestly “thrilled” (i hve no problem always frankly saying it as it is) if you would agree to clear some time for “us” and the promise of “us” and spend some fascinating and enjoyable discovery time with me visiting various NYC sights, parks, beaches, museums, art galleries, favorite activity sights, exotic, delicious romantic candle-light dinners! The promise of ‘us’? Remember, we’ve never emailed before…

we could even exchange some of your favorite recipes for some of my favorite “Hungarian” recipes after we totally impress each other with all our multi-lingual, culinary and other artistic skills and expressions 🙂 Too many references to my profile. Makes him sound stalk-ish.

would luv to hear much more about you, your family/parents/siblings/kids, any grandkids, your spiritual journey, your life, your interesting and gratifying work, what makes you smile (that beautiful smile) & laugh, what makes you sad & cry, what makes you tick, your favorite colours (Canadian spelling 🙂 favorite foods, (i love to cook and present gourmet – one of my many favorite creative expressions) your favorite drinks, passions, hobbies, interests, and so much more… Yikes! Why is he asking to know my deepest thoughts before we’ve even exchanged one freakin’ email???

hope to hear back from you very soon.

ciao

p.s. do you have a lovely dress for the wedding, if we both decide that “we” want and it makes sense to do the 6:30 p.m. wedding too on Wednesday nite ? As if I needed more reason to not date him, he’s asking me to come to a total stranger’s daughter’s wedding. Did I tell you that we have not even met yet? Oh yeah, I think I did…

Less is More!

While this guy’s email was extreme, I posted it as a reminder to not over share. When you make a connection with someone, especially after a long stretch of ‘meh’ boring dates, it can be quite exciting. You can run the risk of an overactive imagination, projecting all kinds of things on this total stranger.

My basic rule of thumb is to keep it short and simple in the beginning. People Flirt, have fun, and see where things go. Keep your intimate details to yourself until trust is built. If it’s meant to be and you become exclusive, there will be plenty of time to share. Until then, zip it. Keep the mystery alive. Now, that is sexy!

Have you been a victim of over sharing in a relationship? Please share your comments/thoughts/stories below.

 

Comments

2 Comments

  1. Yikes! There’s so much wrong here. The initial desire to meet a woman at a time when he should be celebrating his daughter’s marriage tells me he’s a bit desperate. I have had experiences where a man went way too fast and it’s definitely a turn off.

  2. Thanks for weighing in on this matter of over sharing, Walker. I agree. He exudes a desperate neediness, and his boundaries are completely absent. You should see what I edited out of his email!

    And while this is an extreme case, it’s important to beware of over sharers. As you said, it’s a turn off and usually a sign of trouble ahead.

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