Am I too Picky About Men?

Posted by in dating after divorce, first date success, online dating after 40 | 2 comments

too picky about menDear Sandy,

I’ve been lurking on to see what’s out there, and I have to say, I am thoroughly unimpressed and often kind of put off.  I wonder if I’m too picky about men online. Most men have horrible photos, can’t write anything substantive, are looking for someone to run/bike/do marathons with, want someone 10 years younger, and try to impress with cars/motorcycles, baseball hats and photos of them in sleeveless t-shirts with the guys.  Ugh!

I would be looking for someone urban, sophisticated, cultured, intellectual, can write, funny, etc. I know I need to be open to the possibility that I’ll connect with someone I never thought would be my type, but I’m so unexcited about the men I see online, at least on which I thought would have the most choice. Maybe I need to approach this with the knowledge that only 5% of men will be interesting to me and go from there?


Dear Annie,

I understand your frustration with the men who are popping up on your searches. And I am going to give you some tough love advice about online dating. You ask:

Am I too picky about men?

I think you are being too picky and judgmental of men’s profiles. Some amazing guys post bad pics and ho-hum essays. It might be helpful to remember that men are layered – just like you – and a poorly presented profile is not the full picture. I’m not saying that the majority of these men will have the depth you’re searching for, but some will. I know several people who connected with men online with bad profiles, and they’re now married. The only way to find out what a man is really like is to go one step further and write to them/meet them.

I do get online and search for men with my clients. That’s part of my online dating success program, and I’d be happy to do that with you.

Until then, narrow your search preferences a little more to specify what you’re looking for. And go in with the attitude that you’re just on a journey to discover more about men, not decide whether he’s the next love of your life. Instead of having the attitude that “5% of men will be interesting to me”, why not go in thinking,”Hey, you never know. I hope to be surprised. And at least I’ll make the best of every first meet date and enjoy the process.”

Make connections with new men and have an open mind. You wouldn’t want men to falsely judge you based on an assumption they make by looking at a photo or reading your essay, do you?





  1. I think this is great advice. Also, the online dating skill set– awareness of pictures, polish, lack of clumsy writing etc. might just not be there yet with the men she’s generally looking at, so that’s even more reason to be a little forgiving with their profiles.

  2. Elizabeth,
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts about online dating profiles. Yes, many men (and women) don’t have the awareness as to what makes for a good online profile. Plus, many people purposely post sub-par profiles because they feel like losers online. The thought process goes something like this, “If I post just a few words and a few semi-okay photos, I’ll look less desperate.” There are so many reasons for sub-par profiles. I wish we’d all just lighten up with our judgment in dating and the rest of life!

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