[PODCAST] Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Listen as I coach Heather live on the podcast. She wants to know how she can figure out early on, “Should I Stay or Should I Go?”
Heather wrote in: “I’ve been separated and divorced for 6 years. I’ve been in therapy and have been working on myself (listening to your podcasts and being a woman of value) but still spent the last two years in a relationship that was on and off again. How do you quickly find out if someone is a match? Instead of spending a few years trying to figure it out.”
Listen to Episode 362 as I coach Heather live on air on how to know…should I stay or should I go?
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Heather has been separated for three years and divorced three years after a 13-year marriage. She discusses what she learned from her marriage that she’s bringing to the next relationship.
She began by listing all her faults in the marriage; she felt she was harsh and controlling and had to always be right. I noticed that she put the blame on herself, but as we continued the coaching conversation, much more was revealed.
She knew on the day of her wedding that he was the wrong man for her. But, she married him anyway. She’s not alone. This is more common than you may think.
I ask Heather why she did not trust her intuition about her ex-husband. She felt he wasn’t the right man, and she felt trapped in the relationship. Life just happened to her instead of making conscious choices in her life. Can you relate?
She saw the red flags and ignored them. We compare her marriage red flags with the red flags in her more current relationship.
Red flags in the marriage included detachment and living parallel lives. Turns out, he was gay, and he had claimed he was bisexual when they got married. However, she was the first experience he had with a woman.
Both were not true to themselves and were living a lie.
I ask Heather, “Who does your ex-husband remind you of from your family of origin?”
She says it was not her dad. Or…was it? As Heather describes their relationship, she discovers some surprising truths about the connection between her father and why she chose her husband.
Our downloaded family blueprint is very strong.
We often pick a partner who has similar qualities to our most difficult parent. We keep hoping we can somehow ‘fix’ the relationship with that parent by fixing it in a partner with those traits. It doesn’t work. I share with Heather what DOES work.
I show Heather how she puts herself down and makes excuses for bad behavior in men. I point out the difference between having compassion for others and making excuses for bad behavior. This really resonates with her. She then draws the connection between her father and the last man she dated.
How can you tell if a man has the qualities you’re looking for, and whether you should stay or go?
Heather is fuzzy about this, and I clarify the difference between an annoying behavior and a character flaw.
I walk her through an exercise to find her must-haves.
As we conclude our session, I tell Heather how she needs to guard herself from giving away too much too soon. She needs to be careful not to choose partners who have the red flags she identified.
Notice where she’s giving parts of herself away before someone shows her they deserve her stories and her love. Lean back and observe behaviors. See if a guy steps up. Tell men what she needs to be happy in the relationship, and see if a man can provide that for her.
Can you relate to Heather’s story? How did you feel about the coaching process? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
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