Q & A Wednesday: Where are all the good men?

Posted by in dating after divorce, first date success, love after 40, online dating after 40, self-esteem in dating, single women over 40 | 2 comments

Dear Sandy,

I am in a dating dip! Lately, through Match.com, I have had a lot of first dates, but no promise of a relationship. I am tired of meeting boring, emotionally immature, unemployed, broke, alcoholic men. I seem to be meeting men who I would never consider having a second date with. I’m starting to get depressed. It feels like all the men online are either players or inappropriate matches. Where are all the good men?


Dear Dana,

Dating is a crapshoot. You’re much more likely to date the wrong guy than the right guy.

All it takes is one right guy, and you can be set for life. 

5 tips for getting through the Dating Dip

1. Perspective is key. As mentioned above, keeping the perspective that failure is the default setting for dating, you’ll be more likely to take a breath after every bad date and chalk it up to ‘another one bites the dust’. And then say NEXT and move on…

2. Attitude really matters. If you carry negative feelings about men, no matter how hard you try to hide it, you will leak that negativity out and others will sense it. That can definitely get in the way of attracting the right guy into your life. So, try to stay positive in any way you can. Surround yourself with positive people. Love your life. Stop doing things that drain your energy, and focus on the things that feed your soul.

3. Change up how you’re meeting men. If you’re dating exclusively online, get out and meet more men in person. Go to meetup.com to find social groups in your area where you can meet men who share your common interests. Look up events for singles in your area at your local ‘Y’ or church or synagogue. Ask friends for fix-ups by being specific about your ideal match.

4. Take time off from dating. Sometimes, you just need a break, a ‘man-cation’. Just like a good vacation can charge your batteries and give you a new lease on life, taking a break from men can give you that same energy boost. On your man-cation, you may have an epiphany about the changes you need to make in order to achieve more dating success. Or you just might come back to dating with a better attitude. Take a break if you need it, and make sure to ‘get back in the saddle’ before too much time has passed. If you wait too long to date again, you might make all kinds of excuses as to why dating is not important to you.

5. Take another look at your non-negotiable list. If you don’t have one yet, create a non-negotiable list for what you really want and need in a relationship. You might think you know who would be your ideal match, but chances are, you’re not being selective enough, or you’re missing the mark.

Are you dating the same guy with a different face over and over again? Then, it’s time to re-evaluate who you’re attracting.

Are you saying yes to dates with men whom you sense are wrong for you even before the date? Time to get more choosy. Make a list of the five top things you need in a guy. And stick to that list.

Dana, you’ll know what you need to improve your dating success. Let me know what helps you get through the dating dip.







  1. Hi Sandy,
    It seems that suggestions 1 and 2 are contradictory: on the one hand the first one tells you to have low expectations (more of a pessimistic outlook) and the second tells you to give off an optimistic vibes. This may just be a difference of setting the right expectations vs. having the right emotional energy/outlook. Please explain, thanks!

  2. Hi Angelika,

    Great question. I can see where it might feel contradictory. I have said this before in my blogs, but it bares repeating: Be a short term realist and a long term optimist. In other words, have the goal in mind that you WILL eventually meet the right guy, he’s out there, but you don’t know when or how you’ll meet. Go on every date with the understanding that statistically speaking, he may not be the one, but there’s always the possibility that he might be. The odds are low that you’ll meet the right match right away. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have fun along the way. Point 2 is that with the right positive attitude, you will enjoy your dating journey AND be much more alluring and irresistible when the right guy comes along.

    Does that make more sense? I hope so!


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