Q & A Wednesday: How can I increase my self-confidence on a date?

Posted by in dating after divorce, first date success, self-esteem in dating, single women over 40 | 0 comments

Dear Sandy,

I consider myself to be a confident woman with my co-workers, friends, and family members. When it comes to dating again after my divorce, I am totally freaked out. I become a bumbling idiot! My confidence is so low, I don’t think any man will want to date me. How can I be so self-assured in other areas in my life and such a loser at dating? Is there something wrong with me? Is there a way for me to improve my self-confidence and become a desirable dater? 




Dear Cindy,

The good news is that you are confident in every arena except dating. That gives me hope that you just need a little tweaking to get back out there and date like a confidant woman. Your self-confidence is a state of mind. It’s mostly in your head. And if you don’t show up as your best self on a date, you are not dating effectively.

You’re in good company, Cindy. Your problem is quite common among women who have been married for a long time and are dating again after their divorce.

First, let’s talk about your physical appearance. Like most of the women I coach, if you’re a mom, your body has been through labor and delivery. You’re not in the same shape you were in when you were in your twenties. You have a few more wrinkles. And you think it matters to the men you are dating.

Have you looked at the men your age? I don’t know how old you are, but I’m guessing that you’re dating men in their late forties to mid-sixties, the common age bracket for people dating after long-term marriages. The last time I checked, many of them had paunches, balding heads, and hair growing from places that hair shouldn’t grow!

The irony of it all is that most of these guys are posting that they are handsome, good looking, a real catch.

That’s because most guys don’t scrutinize over their appearance like us women. They take a broad glance and they think, “Hey, good looking!”

Women can be brutal about their appearance. They tend to notice every bump, line, cellulite pocket, and anything else that comes with aging.

Guess what? Most men don’t notice and don’t care. They love being with women. They think women are beautiful. I am generalizing when I say this, but my experience has been that men think I’m more attractive in my fifties than they did when I was in my twenties. Go figure!

And now for the deeper levels of self-confidence…

Are you living a life you’re proud of? Do you have good friends, good relationships with family, and a full, happy life? If not, I would start with cleaning up any of the areas in your life that are causing you stress or making you unhappy.

Next, there’s body language. Most of what we communicate is through non-verbal communication. A confident woman walks with her head held high. She dresses with dignity. She looks you in the eye when she talks. She smiles.

If you’re on a date with someone you like, show him with your demeanor, your positive conversation, your interest in him, and your body language.

It may not come naturally at first, and that’s okay.

My advice to you is to fake it until it becomes second nature. You’ll be surprised at how soon you’ll feel confident. One good date will lead to another, and soon you’ll be a happy, confident dater.

Get out there and date with dignity and confidence. And keep me posted.








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