Q & A Wednesday: Why did he break up with me?

Posted by in love after 40, self-esteem in dating, single women over 40 | 0 comments

Dear Sandy,

I’ve been dating Alan for 6 months. We began our relationship with him chasing me. I wasn’t interested in ‘hooking up’ with him until we became great friends. So, a few weeks later, we had our first real date. He treated me really well. He traveled an hour to see me. All was great.

However, I feel like as soon as he ‘had’ me, he stopped trying. Soon, I was making all the effort, traveling an hour by train to see him every week, instead of him coming to see me.

I told myself that it was okay, I liked coming to the city to see him. It was much more fun to hang out there than to have him come to my boring suburban town.

But soon, we were not even dating anymore. We were hanging out at his apartment, watching a movie. When I suggested going out, he said that money was tight, and he was happy just hanging out with me.

Then I caught him flirting with other women, and saw tons of photos on Facebook of him and one particular woman. When I confronted him, he said they were just ‘friends’ and he didn’t see the problem.

I found myself crying a lot, begging him to make an effort, asking him to stop posting those photos, and he would promise me that he would do what I asked.

That didn’t last for long, though. Soon, he was back to his old tricks.

And then last week, he told me he wanted to take a break. He needed time to think about us. We were supposed to go to a wedding together in June. I bought a dress and shoes, and now I’m devastated. I have been crying myself to sleep for days. I am so embarrassed that he did this to me. I don’t want to face my friends, who all told me to dump him months ago.

What can I do to get him back?


Dear Charlotte,

Sorry to hear about how much pain Alan has caused you, but honey, the writing was on the wall for months. This guy was a player. You chose not to pay attention to his actions.

First you say, “I feel like as soon as he ‘had’ me, he stopped trying.”

That was your first clue that he wasn’t that into you. He was into the chase, and as soon as he got you, the fun was over.

Next, you say, “Soon, I was making all the effort, traveling an hour by train to see him every week, instead of him coming to see me.”

If you want to know if a guy is your boyfriend, do nothing. 

If he comes to you, if he calls you, if he’s excited to see you, he’s your boyfriend. Otherwise, you’re his booty call. Which is what you seem to have turned into for him. You made yourself too available. And he soon took you for granted.

You say, “Then I caught him flirting with other women…” There’s flirting and there’s FLIRTING, the first being a casual playful interaction with other women, pretty harmless, because his attention is ultimately on you.

The second type of FLIRTING that you describe above is harmful to the relationship. He was flaunting his attention on this other woman, posting it for all to see on Facebook. That’s downright nasty.

The problem with all of this was that you tolerated his bad boy behavior.

He wasn’t listening to your crying and begging him to change. Of course not. He didn’t see his behaviors as bad or wrong. It doesn’t accomplish anything when you use those tactics on that kind of man.

What works in relationships is setting standards. You let a man know that you’re too self-dignified to put up with lousy behavior. You state that his behavior is hurtful, and see what he says and does. You need to be ready to walk away from a man who treats you poorly. You need to believe that you’re too self-respectful to put up with ‘crumbs’ from a guy.

You ask me how you can get him back?

When a man acts like a jerk, DUMP HIM!

Move on to a guy who will respect you. But you need to respect and love yourself first. No man is worth having you feel unsafe, unloved, unheard, and disrespected.






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